Couch Culture - The Original

Not As Intended

2007-03-26T15:30:00.000+10:00

I went to the cinema on the weekend and saw the new Sandler/Cheadle flick Reign Over Me. With such a perfectly cast ensemble, and brilliantly written and thought-provoking script, surely I must have learnt something from this exercise of pictorial art?

Did I learn that friendship can overcome all?

No.

Did I learn about the inner workings of post-traumatic stress and mental illness as a whole?

Not really.

What I did learn is this:

Motor scooters are really cool.

I worry about myself sometimes too.

A Pun So Terrible, It Has To Be Shared

2007-03-17T20:09:00.000+11:00

Sam of Culture Strain raises an interesting point about the publicity shot for the film/doco Bra Boys. Please inspect the following...

...now was that a publicity shot, or a pube-licity shot?

I'll just get my coat...

P.S. Bra Boys, please don't come to my house and hurt me for this.

Unnecessary Product Of The Year

2007-03-11T13:02:00.000+11:00

As if bottled mineral water wasn't as unnecessary, expensive and a ridiculous status symbol to boot (Hey! Look at me! I'm drinking expensive bottled water! No drinking out of the tap for me!), some bright spark has taken it one step further. Introducing "Aqua Dog", water for dogs with a splash of beef.

I struggle to understand the reasoning behind this niche marketing. I can only muse that, somewhere, someone believed that they had a brief moment of genius to think of producing this doggie delicacy.

Once again my faith in the intelligence of the average person takes a hit.

And so, Aqua Dog recieves my nomination for Unnecessary Product Of The Year. But of course, if you have your own nomination for Unnecessary Product Of The Year, I implore you to drop a comment into the box provided, or send your photographic evidence to couchculture hotmail.com. Although something tells me that Aqua Dog will be hard to beat.

Funny Is The New Sexy

2007-02-09T13:29:00.000+11:00

Want to know what can really put you off your breakfast of Froot Loops coated in icing sugar?

How about someone searching for nude photos of Chas Licciadello... a search that links to your blog?

Hell, I enjoy The Chaser boys as much as anyone, but that one's enough to make my testicles retreat inside of me in disturbance.

Prick Minces A Dick

2007-01-20T15:55:00.000+11:00

From Metro.co.uk:

Doctors' unions in Romania have criticised a decision to make a surgeon pay £100,000 in damages after he lost his temper and hacked off a patient's penis during surgery.

Surgeon Naum Ciomu, who had been suffering from stress at the time, had been operating on patient Nelu Radonescu, 36, to correct a testicular malformation when he suddenly lost his temper.

Grabbing a scalpel, he sliced off the penis in front of shocked nursing staff, and then placed it on the operating table where he chopped it into small pieces before storming out of the operating theatre at Bucharest hospital.

Which of course asks the question, what's the worst thing you've done in a fit of anger? Bonus points if your story involves penises, dismemberment or Tony Danza.

Ladies And Gentlemen, We Have Reached The Bottom Of The Barrel

2007-01-16T21:46:00.000+11:00

Ajay Rochester: Not a celebrity.

I can tell you right now that I'm not looking forward to Ten's new sleb-event "Celebrity Dog School", and it's not just because it involves The ~~Fabulous~~ Fuckwitted Adam Richard and Robert "Be There! (Or my Mafia mates will break your legs!)" Dipierdomenico. Dare I say it - It's sure to be a dog of a show?

But one way, I am looking forward to it. With such an impossibly crap premise, and such obviously poor casting, maybe it will finally trigger the point where the public says "no more", and thus results in the removal of all the reality bullshitty tripe clogging up the airways.

Well, one pundit can hope, anyway.

That's Not Art, That's My Beer Belly

2007-01-13T19:35:00.000+11:00

Courtesy of news.com.au:

"BON APPETIT," said Chilean artist Marco Evaristti as he presented his friends with his newest creation: meatballs cooked with fat from his own body, extracted by liposuction.

"Ladies and gentleman, bon appetit and may god bless," said Evaristti, a glass in his hand, to his dining companions seated Thursday night around a table in Santiago's Animal Gallery.

On the plates in front of them was a serving of agnolotti pasta and in the middle a meatball made with oil Evaristti removed from his body in a liposuction procedure last year.

"The question of whether or not to eat human flesh is more important than the result," he said, explaining the point of his creation.

"You are not a cannibal if you eat art," he added.

Memo to Mr Evaristti (ever-wristy, ha!):

You're an imbecile. And an artsy-fartsy wanker. It's no wonder Arts students get no respeck, mang!

Now do something really creative for once - come around to my place and build me a pergola. Out of bicycles. and I will pay you in little lego men made of cheese. See how easy it is to be post-modern, biatch?

Yours in vague disgust,
J. Statler, Esq.

Ever-wristy... Ha ha! I'm sure he is.

My Backspace Key Is Broken, Honest!

2006-12-29T13:55:00.000+11:00

Paris Hilton heartily supports Pants-optional Thursdays.

No doubt it's all over the news and spread across every page of the ~~wank~~ glam mags - Paris Hilton has hit Sydney in a big way. So in an effort to follow the trends of the ~~pubic~~ public, I buckled down and got an interview with the Princess of Pop-trash. And despite what that famewhore Angela Bishop says, I did not steal this interview from her.

Statler: Hi Paris, thanks for joining me.

Paris: No problem, Angela.

So what brings you to Australia?

Money. Some guy is paying me a crazy amount of money.

Err... Anything else? What about Australian beaches... or the friendly people... or the fantastic nightlife? You know, all that stuff that visiting Hollywood stars usually say?

No. Just money. And I hear that there's a guy called Statler around here somewhere. He's hot.

Okay then. Paris Hilton, thanks for your time.

Interview terminated so the ~~slut~~ interviewee could take a cold shower.

And Now, For No Good Reason...

2006-12-27T19:45:00.000+11:00

... here's Myron.

Five Things I Don't Want For Christmas (And Four I Do)

2006-12-23T15:29:00.000+11:00

As the Christmas holidays are bearing down on us like an alleged English prostitute strangler, what better time for me to make a list of things I do and don't want for Christmas, and ever-so subtly make it fully available to the general public.

Firstly, here's what I don't want:

Anything by Il Divo: A bunch of vocally abrasive, over-glorified, warbling cover singers. Write some of your own music and then maybe we can talk. Though probably not.

Socks And Jocks: Honestly, if you think that socks and underwear are a good idea for a gift, then make an new year's appointment for a head exam.

High School Musical DVD: Now with bonus Karaoke disc!!1! Hang on... since when has karaoke ever been cool? Remember kids - say no to drugs.

Tickets To Happy Feet: I never thought I'd see a movie with more hype than the second coming of Jesus. And yet, strangely, I still don't care.

On the bright side, if you're still struggling to find me the perfect gift, maybe this list will help guide you.

Forward Russia's Give Me A Wall: So good, I want a second copy.

The Disappearance Of Richard Wilkins: Well, I can dream, can't I?

Use of the word "Xmas" made illegal: I'll keep pronouncing it "Crossmas" until people learn.

Some Good TV this summer: I swear, if Ten continues to show ads for Laguna Beach, I'm sure it's going to elicit hate crimes against Americans.

Merry etc. from your old friend Statler.

Pun Of The Day

2006-12-20T19:08:00.000+11:00

Today's pun of the day award goes to news.com.au for it's tactful use of punnery regarding the Socceroos' Asian Cup draw.

What genius! Ja-can't-maica them better than that. I-raq-kon that deserves a prize, and I think Ger-many of you would agree with me. As I-ran out of puns, does anyone have any suggestions?

Channel Seven: The Boardgame!

2006-12-18T12:53:00.000+11:00

Coming soon to stores across Australia just in time for Christmas - it's the Seven board game!

Marvel at the fun and enjoyment you have with family and friends, and you play the official board game of Australia's favourite television network*!

Oh oh! Kochie makes an ill-taste joke! Miss a turn!...

Oh Dear! Daryl Somers brings The Best Of Red Faces back to TV! Go back three spaces!...

Yay! Today Tonight succeed in stealing another story from A Current Affair! Move ahead four!...

It's classic fun for all the family! Get in quick, and get the hit DVD, "Ten Years of Naomi Robson". Here's a sneak peek:

*Cos' we said we are.

Frog, Journalism Dead

2006-12-10T17:28:00.000+11:00

Miracle frozen frog dies

THE Territory frog that made national news after it survived being frozen solid in a freezer has died.

Sue Hoddinott found the frog in the freezer at a Darwin cafeteria on Monday, and when convinced to thaw it out, it came back to life.

But she returned to her Karama home on Thursday to find it dead.

"The poor little mite passed away," she said. "I came home ... and he had carked it.

And that, my friends, is why I'll never visit Darwin. That city moves at such a breakneck pace that I think it would kill me.

I really do.

How To Alienate A (Vaguely) Intelligent Voter

2006-12-01T22:31:00.000+11:00

I normally don't bother with politics here on Couch Culture, but during the state election in Victoria, something crossed my path which I couldn't help getting a little worked up over.

Suffrage. So many have fought so long for universal suffrage, from women, to the Aboriginals and African-Americans, to almost any minority imaginable. The idea being that we all have the capacity to form our own values and opinions and vote accordingly.

So with the apparent wealth that my local MP seemingly had behind his campaign, considering the endless stream of mail-out trumpet-blowing crap my housemates had received, surely I would've also been sent something. Something to tell me of their policies, to inform me of their direction, to recognise my existence. And then, just a few days before the vote, I receive this:

The offending flyer, as seen by the Motorola ShoddyCam on the now world famous Coffee Table Of Doom.

Oh yeah, the ALP trivialised my vote. Because, of course, I can't form intelligent opinions about anything that matters, and I could only be interested in iPods and boobies and McDonalds Happy Meals and flashy lights. (Well, okay, they were right about the boobies.) And that's how the ALP lost my vote.

Rant over. Normal service resuming shortly.

Vale: The House Of Glass

2006-11-29T22:36:00.000+11:00

Even though I think Dave Hughes is an idiot, I find Corrine Grant wishy-washy, and the few times I’ve been in contact with Wil Anderson I’ve found him to be a selfish prick, I’ll still miss The Glasshouse.

Maybe it was just my search to find some semblance of humour on TV, but for all it's faults, The Glasshouse has kept me happy to the very end of it's run on the ABC.

Now to my point - Commercial station programmers: The Glasshouse is a show with a proven track record, with actual ratings, and actual household name(s), and even better - low overheads. You would have to be puffin' muffins* to throw away the opportunity to pick the show up.

*I am so, so sorry.

And yes, I'm back. Let the inebriation and cha-cha-cha-ing begin!

Dead!

2006-11-10T16:40:00.000+11:00

Once again, my computer has channeled the spirit of Mariah Carey and cracked the shits over nothing. So, no more Couch Culture until I get sorted with a brand spankin' new computer.

Hey, sorry, but if your desperate for CC action, you're welcome to drop MacBooks/assorted computer parts/a spiffy Commodore 64 into the usual comment box/waste recepticle.

Until then, keep an eye out for the return of Couch Culture.

Again.

Outrage! Conflict! Etc.!

2006-10-31T14:31:00.000+11:00

I really need to stop reading news.com.au; it's making me schizophrenic:

South Park Lampoons Irwin Death

SOUTH Park's creators have made a cartoon poking fun at Crocodile Hunter Steve Irwin's death as his daughter Bindi prepares to launch a fitness DVD "taking the bite out of obesity"

Statler 1: Oh, noes! How dare those evil unconscionable South Park bastards even think of trying to derail poor Bindi's burgeoning career!

Statler 2: Hang on for a moment, maybe we should read more before we start to burn effigies. It's probably just News Ltd. hyping up a giant chunk of nothing again.

South Park has revealed an episode in which Irwin attends a fancy dress party in hell with a stingray sticking out of his chest.

Irwin died on September 4 when a stingray barb pierced his chest while diving on the Great Barrier Reef.

"We have offended people in the past and probably will again,'' a South Park spokesman told a London newspaper.

The episode had been scheduled to air in the US on Wednesday (Oct 25). An SBS spokesperson said in all likelihood the episode would be broadcast in Australia but probably not until 2008.

Statler 1: Curses! How are they able to get away with such treachery? Damn you, First Amendment! Damn you, right to free speech!

Statler 2: I told you, it's no big deal. I even have the video here. Take a look for yourself.

Now what is so objectionable about that?

Statler 1: Steve Irwin is God. You wouldn't make fun of God, would you? Look, there's more...

The timing could not be worse after Mr Irwin's eight-year-old daughter today announced she would launch her first DVD Bindi Kidfitness which features her famous father.

Available from November 25, the DVD will "fight fat with fun''.

It includes nine animal-inspired songs and routines performed by Bindi and her all-singing, all-dancing sidekicks the Crocmen.

Bindi also whips up fat-free treats with her father in a segment called "Steve's Cooking School''.

Irwin features throughout the DVD as he dances, plays instruments and - in a scene that may raise questions about its suitability - swims with his daughter.

Statler 2: Hang on, when did this become a promo piece? What does that have to do with the guys from South Park?

Statler 1: What do you mean, it has everything to do with it!!1! Everyone's against Bindi!!1!

Statler 2: Now you're just be illogical.

Statler 1: THAT'S IT!!1!eleventyone! I'm sick of you, and I'm sick of being a part of this guy's conscience. I'm getting out of here. Maybe I'll go someplace where people share my moralistic views.

Statler 2: National Party headquarters?

Statler 1: Darn tootin'!

Statler 2: Yeah, well good riddance. Fuckwit.

McGenius

2006-10-29T16:41:00.000+11:00

I can't believe that I haven't realised this until now.

Big applause to McDonald's for finally putting the nutritional information on their packaging. On the bottom of the box. So the average diner will, first buy, and then possibly eat the burger before having the thought to glance over exactly what is going into their system.

Or maybe I'm crabby because I just ate 106.3% or my daily saturated fat intake.

Looks like I have some exercising to do. Again.

Romoin Guest Strip #2: "I Had The Same Problem With Alanis Morrisette..."

2006-10-26T09:46:00.000+10:00

Here it is, kids - the next strip in the guest season of Romoin.

Don't forget to visit Romoin, or John Surname will be a very sad panda.

Sanity Prevails

2006-10-25T16:17:00.000+10:00

Would you trust these people?

Sanity has prevailed... well, at least on one network.

It seems that Seven's revenue raiser "Midnight Zoo" has gotten the big uncle chop-chop. Cue frenzied applause and chants of "One down, two to go!"

It's really no surprise considering a fellow blogger made this observation last week (Hey, I would have made an observation too, but I have taste!) :

I happened to flick to Midnight Zoo at 1:40 this morning (while changing Golden Girls discs) & the guy that hosts answered a call with "Hi Sammy what's your answer" & the contestant's voice sounded suspiciously like the female host.

And what could possibly make this victory over the stupidity of the "let's just do what they're doing" mentality of Seven's programmers even sweeter? The fact that not one person cares. Not one tear shed, no sadness expressed, not one boo-hoo to be heard.

Add to the mix the fact that it's being replaced by Lost repeats and Power Rangers episodes, and this feels so good, I'm almost ready to have faith in the viewing public again.

"Give Me My Spread, Or I'd Rather Be Dead..."

2006-10-23T16:10:00.000+10:00

Australian PM, John Howard.

DATELINE: CANBERRA - Shocking news today as Australian PM John Howard declared war against the United States over it's refusal to recognise Vegemite as a food.

"It's un-austrayan," the PM told the world in a press conference outside Kirribilli House today. "It's a cowardly act, and it's a threat to our way of life."

"It's not for the United States to go about and dictate the world from their moral high-horse", he continued. "The United States must be stopped!"

In a brief media release, opposition leader Kim Beasley was quoted as saying "We're fucked!" and, "This is the last time I vote for the Libs!"

Mr Howard also took the opportunity to introduce the Government's new Minister for Attack, Mark Brandon "Chopper" Read.

"Faarken scallywags!", Mr Read was heard to remark.

Howard refused to reveal how he plans on attacking the American menace, however, strangely, he did demand that all DVD copies of "Crocodile Dundee 3" and anything involving Yahoo Serious be surrendered to the Australian Army as soon as possible.

The Best Critique Ever... Or Not

2006-10-22T13:11:00.000+10:00

Recently on Couch Culture, we've had a bit of a influx of readers. I've put it down to plugs on other sites (Steph's Much Ado About Sumthin, The Australian Index), new blogrollers (Redcap's Half-hearted Hack, Andy B's Spatula City), and the ever-popular Mentos Minty Nipple debacle.

But, of course, I'm not writing this just to have a big blogosphere love orgy. Although I have been known to enjoy the ocassional orgy.

The reason I write this is to point out that newforestbase.org (No pictures, but still probably NSFW) have seen fit to link to me, too... under the banner of "Boys Masturbation Stories".

As if I wasn't already concerned about writing utter wank.

Bastards.

It's Not Every Day You Get To Destroy The Reputation Of Someone's Blog

2006-10-20T13:18:00.000+10:00

It seems that long-time reader and lesbian icon John Surname is taking a month's hiatus from his comic/blog The Wonderful World Of Romoin & Friends as he studies up for his exams.

My hardcore personal stalkers and those with photographic memories will remember that I've posted up my own versions of sketched mediocrity before, and after a blinding binge session of butterscotch schnapps and Toilet Duck yesterday, it appears that I emailed John and asked if he would like me to throw together a few guest strips. Clearly, John must have been on a schnapps and Toilet Duck bender too, because he accepted my offer.

So here now, for your edification, is my first foray into the wonderful world of Romoin.

If you enjoyed that and want more, go visit Romoin now! I promised John that you would. You wouldn't want to make me a liar, would you?

Just Quickly...

2006-10-19T01:22:00.000+10:00

...has anyone seen my car keys?

Fan Mail!

2006-10-18T23:28:00.000+10:00

If you came here to be entertained, turn off the computer screen and walk away now...

Regular readers may know of an article I posted a little while back about a War On Terror Boardgame forum I was getting hits from. It seems that the gent behind it finally got back to me, and I think it's worth a genuine response. (Find the original comment here, and read along at home!!1!)

Mr Wilbar/TrollGod/James Will/Whatever moniker you'd like to be known as,

Firstly, I think it's important to say that I am on your side. If anything in the world can be found to be funny, it should be laughed at. That includes satirical board games.

But in the interest of simplifying things a little, I think a point-by-point reply to your comment is required. I never was one for formalising matters.

To start off however I must congratulate you on being one of the few who takes the care or time to research their article (this also includes the main media) - as no-one else has even mooted such a theory about 'The Evil Balaclava' Forum.

Well then, thanks very much for the ego stroking, although I'm not surprised about the interests of the mainstream media - as I'm sure we both know, the only thing that the media ever take interest in theorising are the sleeping patterns of the celebrities. You did get it right, though - it was just a theory. And a playful, whimsical one at that.

But please give us a little more credit than to be naive enough to mistakenly create a publicly open nerve centre spin-doctoring control forum !

On the contrary, for all I know, my theorised "nerve centre" may have been publicly accessible by design. What better way to recruit others to help the cause? I'm sure it must be a mammoth task to (alledgedly) overturn the opinions of millions of people single-handedly.

As you say you asked for responses & you got my personal opinion - please do not debase my opinions by simply dismissing my view as me simply having an 'interest' in the game - to do such a thing is as bad as doctoring your contributors entries so that they all mirror your own opinion.

You'll notice that I never attempted to debase your opinion - in fact I readily accepted it. All I did was state fact - that you had visited and commented as a representitive of The Evil Balaclava. I used that information to openly theorise and question your motives. It's no different to a glam mag writing, "We have photos of Brad Pitt and Paris Hilton together... we wonder if they're fucking?"

You will find (regardless of what you wish to believe) is that the Evil Balaclava Forum (http://www.forumsvibe.com/thewaronterror) *is* a fan forum

Yes, I did mention that it is the unofficial game forum. Linked to, (therefore, some might say, at the very least condoned) by the official game site and the creators of the game. In fact, the original post concerning my site was even written, commented on and approved by "andrewsheerin" - co-incidently the name of one of the creators.

My interest in the game is simply that it looks to be interesting and I am keen for my copy to be shipped out (when they finally land at TerrorBull HQ)... but until the game is actually shipped and we can start playing it all we have to focus on is the recent main stream media's total mis-representation of the game & thus a threat to it's final production

Worried about the game being released? Now, would that constitute a vested interest?

would your primary reader base be impressed by a media campaign to debase your blog because it contains too much blue? (an over simplification I admit).

The majority of my current reader base are only concerned about a man with three-inch long nipples. I'm sure they won't mind.

The reason for our posting of external comments in Evil Balaclava is simply because there are too many media sources out their with their own financial agendas who have no qualms with blocking any comment that does not suit them - why should they be allowed to escape from being identified as editors of freespeach !?

You know, I had a quick surf through your comments on the "Websites of Hate" section of your forum, and there was no mention of any site, news service, blog or carrier pidgeon blocking or removing any of your pro-game opinions from their site. You'd think something like that would be worth ranting about with your conterparts, wouldn't it?

I think it may be time for me to cite one of the great digital tomes, Wiktionary...

spin doctor

1. (British slang) A person employed to gloss over a poor public image in business and politics, especially after unfavourable results have been achieved.

If you don't mind me saying, sir - the hat fits.

I short there was no conspiracy to dictate your blog, the 'brain child' of anyone who will financially gain from the game (although I'm hoping to be remembered in their wills) and if you still regard this as a huge conspiracy then feel free to have your say in our forum - Looking back at the thread that infuriated you ... yes I can see why throw away comments that point to being something a little more than they are

Trollbar, the article I wrote about your forum was designed with four purposes in mind. First, it was to make the observation that it exists. Secondly, it was to express my disgust at the idea of someone pulling strings behind my back. I simply hate the idea of being manipulated. The third reason was to hopefully get some sort of explanation out of you (mission accomplished), and finally, the article was intended to be amusingly flippant about the idea, which I'll now admit missed the mark somewhat (I would have thought the words "Thank-you and good-night!" would have been a melodramatic hint.)

You see, Couch Culture is essentially a platform for humour, a pedestal from where I have the opportunity to flex my wit, and a forum for lighthearted discussion on Aussie culture. The original article was discussing taboos in humour, using the War On Terror board game as an example only, something which you completely misinterpreted.

It's very possible that you're not one of the creators, as you say - I'm sure the creators of the game would be intelligent enough to recognise that, although there is a market for it, the war on terror remains a controversial and touchy subject, and it's going to make a few people sick to their stomachs. If they didn't consider that, then they are simply being naïve.

I would hope that the creators also recognise that people have a right to feel that way, without having opposing opinions jammed down their throat. Just as I have a right to openly theorise about "The Evil Balaclava". This is, ultimately, a discussion about free speech, isn't it?

The media were always going to take a negative slant on the issue. Since when have the majority of media outlets ever released news articles that were anything less than conservative? That's why many newspapers and news sites have opinion sections, to balance the views of the newspaper. (And have someone to blame if a point-of-view is too controversial.) But considering that the media outlets take their opinions from the percieved opinion of the general public, does it necessarily mean that the position they take on issues are any less relevant?

I honestly can't see why you would bother with this battle of yours. All this attention means the game is getting coverage across the world, and the creators should be thrilled. So why do you bother to leave your pro-game diatribe strewn across the Internet? People are smart enough to decide on their own opinions without your help - especially as satire is a much more intelligent form of humour - and the fact you feel the need to leave a calling card on every mention could be considered an insult to the intelligence of the general public.

But despite all your faults - missing the point of what I have to say, jumping at shadows, spin-doctoring, trolling etc. - I can't fault, whether you have a particular 'interest' in the game or not, your passion to fight for what you believe in.

Enjoy your boardgame, James.

J.Statler, Esq.

P.S. Everyone else: This is the last you'll hear of this. I'm washing my hands of it. Now resuming normal service.

And bonus points for anyone who can make sense of my textual effluent.

"This Krispy Kreme Tastes Like Krispy Krap!"

2006-10-16T13:25:00.000+10:00

Krispy Kreme. It's a name that remains the scourge of English teachers everywhere.

I've taken part in the supposed "delight" of the Kreme before, and hated it. But admittedly, that was overseas, and we all know how things seem to translate differently in other countries. Like democracy, and Kylie Minogue.

So, in the interest of being objective, and for the benefit of you readers, I went down to the spankin' new Krispy Kreme in Collins St. (The Collins St. in Melbourne obviously, not the one in St. Albans East.)

"The Experience":

I walk into the store, and I'm hit with the stench of what I think a lollipop crematorium would smell like. I think for a moment how easy it would be for them to expand and become Krispy Kremetoriums. Go to the funeral and get your comfort food in one hit.

But I digress.

I seem to be surrounded by bogans, cockheads, slack-jawed yokels and pimply students. A fat family gorge on a couple of boxes in the corner. If the doughnut doesn't make me sick, these people will.

I'm served by a girl named Lovely. She tries in vain to hock me Ice Kreme. I start to wonder if I've entered the third circle of hell. I escape, marginally, but not before a laboured "Have a nice day".

The Look:
Well, at least it looks like a doughnut. Then again, I think it may be glowing slightly.

The Taste Test:

First, the fat. It feels like a mouthful of lard. My arteries swell from shock and I'm pretty sure I just gained ten pounds. Then, the sugar comes. Diabetes-inducing. I either hallucinated or went blind for a moment. Sugar overload. Back of my throat is burning. Also, I have the strange compulsion to drink coffee and read USA Today.

Verdict:
The stickiness of the sole of my size 9 suggests that Krispy Kreme doughnuts would make a top quality low-end adhesive.

Also, someone needs to point out to our good American friends that Kreme should never be Krispy, and that it's probably in violation of the health code when it is.

Tune in next week, when I will attempt to eat shard upon shard of broken, jagged glass. The things I do to entertain you guys.

Ho Bloody Ho

2006-10-13T14:54:00.000+10:00

Isn't Christmas just the most magical time of the year, kids? A time when family comes together... usually to head down to the local shopping centre to look for those elusive Christmas specials. So what would I happen to see during my suburban pilgramages, but this:

Chances are, that if you're thinking of getting that special someone curtains or blinds for Christmas, you need to speed yourself off to the nearest head-doctor as soon as possible. If not for your own personal safety.

I can't speak for others, but if I were given curtains for Christmas, I would beat you senseless with that rock-hard fruit cake, the one that has been endlessly re-used as a Chrismas gift for the past twenty years.

I'm not an violent person, but somebody has to find a use for that damn fruit cake.

P.S. Yeah, that's my finger in the corner of the photo. I never said I was any good with technology.

Minty Nipples: Reprise

2006-10-11T16:37:00.000+10:00

Prepare for Nipplegate Two: The Reckoning.

Proving once again that even I have my finger on the pulse of the Australian zeitgeist much more than they do, News Ltd. have finally reported the "outrage" (I use the term loosely) over the Mentos Ice nipple ad.

From The Courier-Mail:

AN advertisement which features a man with elongated nipples could be pulled from TV screens in days.

The plug stars a beachgoer whose nipples miraculously grow after he tries Mentos chewing gum.

The Advertising Standards Board said complaints from disgusted viewers started as soon as the ad was screened at the weekend.

"As soon as the advert went to air we received a number of complaints about its content, regarding inappropriate sexual references and claims that it was discriminatory to both men and women," ASB chief executive Fiona Jolly said. "The advert is being rushed on to the agenda of the next meeting of the board this week."

Of course people are put off by the explicit sexual nature of the ad. Man-nipples are so sexy. And anyway, nipples must be The Devil, because Our Dear Lord wouldn't have given man something that might allude to the theory of evolution!

Okay, so I'm blowing the whole stupid discussion out of proportion a bit. Here are my thoughts:

Stupid: Yes.

Disturbing: Mildly.

Offensive: No more offensive than this:

And at the end of the day, just like with anything on TV, you can turn it off or change the channel. No-one is making you watch it. Unless you're an armless, legless man in a closed room with no way of contacting anyone, in which case you probably have more pressing matters on your mind.

So let's hear some thoughts and opinions. Would we be having this same discussion if the man in the ad had puffy areoli? Why the hell is it left to me to defend things I don't even like? Will I get my number one Google result for "Minty Nipples"? Do I use too many tacked-on questions?

Only time (and your comments) will tell.

McWrong

2006-10-09T01:12:00.000+10:00

In case you were wondering what happens when they run out of French Fry containers...

I just watched Morgan Spurlock's Super Size Me. Because it got me in the mood for food, I'm now seriously contemplating driving down to my local 24-hour McDonald's for a bite to eat.

I'm going to hell, aren't I?

National Bogan Weekend

2006-10-07T14:14:00.000+10:00

Well, with the Bathurst "RIP Brocky! We Miss You Brocky! BrockyBrockyBrocky!" 1000 is on again, it must be National Bogan Weekend (proudly sponsored by Winnie Blue's and the Pope.) So naturally, it's reassuring to know that someone out there is picking up Peter Brock's legacy of driving to the limit. (Via the Beeb:)

A man pulled over for driving slowly in the Australian outback has been charged with reckless driving - because police found him driving in reverse.

The man was stopped for driving at a little over 56km/h on a highway near the outback town of Kalgoorlie.

But quick police work soon established that the car was in fact heading backwards - all the way to Perth, some 550km across the desert.

The driver, 22, told police he chose to drive in reverse when his gears failed.

He had already travelled 20km before he was stopped.

Forget Steve Waugh and Fred Hollows, there's no doubt that this guy will be flung into legendary status and will be a future Australian Of The Year.

As the group of great sages known as TISM once said; "you're only five yards from a fuckwit".

Even if you're in the most isolated places on earth.

Guess Who's Been Trawling YouTube?

2006-10-05T21:45:00.000+10:00

Okay... One more post, and then I'll cut back on the video orgy that seems to have infested the site lately. I've been looking to post this ad up for a little while now, firstly because it's probably the worst nipple-related advertising campaign in history, and deserves to be mocked.

The other reason I post this is because I want to see if I can get the number one Google result for "Minty Nipples".

Just because.

Wish me luck with my challenge.

Channel Ten Officially Does Something Right

2006-10-05T16:47:00.000+10:00

Shane Bourne and Tom Gleisner in a stereotypically boring promotional shot.

From The Australian:

US network NBC is the latest international programmer to pick up the rights to Working Dog's series Thank God You're Here.

The network home of ER and America's Got Talent will film a pilot of Ten's improvisational variety show in November after coming to Melbourne to watch episodes prepared here.

FremantleMedia has already sold the format in 10 territories and versions of the program created by Rob Sitch, Santo Cilauro and Tom Gleisner are screening in Denmark and the Netherlands. Denmark's program debuted extremely well on Sunday and the Dutch version improved in its second week.

Working Dog's Michael Hirsh concedes it is early days for any potential US version.

"We're realistic that we know pilots are pilots and series are series," he said. "I know that, basically, NBC wants a hit show.

"We got on to their radar like the rest. When shows are successful somewhere, people are looking to see if they can make it work for their own territory."

You know what? It's not like me to be positive, and I don't think it'll be a blockbuster, but with the depth of talent in the US, I can see this being a success. (That's assuming that Fifi Box isn't part of the package deal, of course.)

Can you believe it? Ten have actually fostered something original that has a chance of making a world-wide impact. I'm in shock.

To the internationalists who float through here, would you be interested in watching a show like this?

On Becoming The Subject Of Spin

2006-10-04T17:22:00.000+10:00

There are certain milestones in a blogger's blogdom, I'm sure you'll agree... the first post... the first comment... the first death threat... but today, I became aware of a new first - I have become the subject of a media campaign.

On the subject of the War On Terror boardgame, a new commentor, Willbar, had this to say:

Why should terrorism be any more taboo than the wholesale mass destruction of nuclear weapons ?? I say good on them for going for it ...

I have no problem with the response - I asked for opinions, and I got them. It seems like that was the general consensus anyway. No, what interests me is that, last night, I was viewed with half a dozen hits from The Evil Balaclava, the unofficial game forum.

A quick visit shows a bevvy of sites, blogs and pretty much anthing else on Teh Intrawubs that have commented on the boardgame - positively or negatively - as part of their "media war". Although I can't prove it, I'm pretty sure that the forum is the brainchild of someone with an interest in the game.

But it's not even that I'm annoyed about. Sure, it's devious, but everyone has vested interests these days, why shouldn't that include people releasing controversial board games? It's not like the Interwebs have ever changed someone's opinion of anything anyway - it's basically akin to shouting in a soundproof room.

The thing that truly annoys me - trivial or not - is that this is apparently "well reined in!":

They've started to go off topic a tad so to bring them back ...

Why should terrorism be any more taboo than the wholesale mass destruction of nuclear weapons ?? I say good on them for going for it ...

Conversation that dawdles outside the realm of the topic is a staple of Couch Culture. Scratch that - it's the essence of Couch Culture. If I reined in every topic that goes off-track, we would never have known about John Surname's hairy palms, would never have read Hotcakes' explaination of leetspeak, or had found out just how many people loved/hated Hey Dad!

In summary:

1. People are always looking out for their own interests. (But if you didn't know that, chances are you're not intelligent enough to be reading this.)

2. If you're going to use a bit of spin-doctoring, don't organise it in a publicly accessible forum.

3. I will not allow people to dictate how I run my blog!

Thank-you and good-night.

Greatest Ever Child Actor Revealed

2006-10-01T22:51:00.000+10:00

Subtitle: Memories from when Rove was good.

If We Can't Have A War On Terror Board Game, Then The Terrorists Have Won!!1!

2006-09-29T22:34:00.000+10:00

A member of TISM enjoys the terror board game.

From The SMH:

It's like Trivial Pursuit or Monopoly, except you play with suicide bomber cards and wear black balaclavas with the word "evil" stitched across the
forehead.

As well as the suicide bomber cards and "evil" black balaclavas, the board game includes terrorist cards, radiation counters and "World Bank of Capitalism" bank notes.

The makers of War on Terror: The Boardgame describe it as "a family game to be played with Granny on Boxing Day" but survivors of last year's terror attacks on London's public transport system are appalled.

The makers admit their board game is likely to be controversial but say it is actually designed to show the futility of war.

"Some people suggest that turning the War on Terror into a board game is a tad insensitive. I always reply that starting a war is insensitive; a board game is just fun for all the family," the game's co-designer, Andy Tompkins, said in a statement.

Moneyspinner or morbid? Fun or fucked?

For the last few days, I've been knocked down with the dreaded man-flu, so my brain's not in a position to process an opinion. But what do you guys think? Are you a believer in ultimate irreverent comedy (i.e. that nothing, absolutely nothing, should be off limits), or do you think that there needs to be some taboos in humour in order to keep the balance?

And, more importantly, should "board game" be one word, or two?

Show / Bag

2006-09-25T23:38:00.000+10:00

Warning: Objects in image may be more expensive than they appear.

Kids! Bogans! Slack-jawed yokels! Lend me your ears!

It's Royal Melbourne Show time again. A magical time to... well, blow a wad of cash, really. So if you're going to blow a wad of cash, why not blow it on the bestest showbag money can buy - The Couch Culture showbag!

You get:

1 x J. Statler, Esq. Figurine (Dances to the tune of "Bust A Move"... if you get him drunk enough.)

1 x strand of hair from one J. Statler, Esq. (It's a treasure that'll last a lifetime! Especially with advanced cloning techniques!)

1 x khaki shirt (That'll put my showbag on every bogan's wishlist.)

1 x copy of Daryl Somers' Songlines (Every showbag aims to unload at least one piece of crap on an unsuspecting public.)

4 x Rohypnol tablets (Hey Mum! Ever tried to get the kids in the car after four bags of fairy floss and a day at the show?)

1 x Jana Wednt (Well, no-one else wants her!)

1 x doll from the Bratz™ Herpes range (Mummy, why does my Maddiyssen doll have red spots?)

1 x "The Very Best Of The Wedge" DVD (That's right, a blank disc.)

1 x Dagwood Dog (Celebrate your day with some fried processed meat on a stick. Mmm!)

...and of course
1 x Bertie Beetle.

All for the ridiculously small price of $200!

So get on down to the Royal Show and buy your Couch Culture bag! Get in quick, and as an added bonus, we'll give you a bag with a dodgy handle, so the bastard will split open and spill your goodies as soon as you step off the Ferris Wheel! You can't lose!

Arguments Against Botox #497

2006-09-24T14:07:00.000+10:00

Now there's a face to put you off your Corn Flakes.

An Open Letter To The Idol-watchers Of Australia

2006-09-23T15:16:00.000+10:00

Bobby Flynn: Hair today, gone tomorrow. And thus concludes my awful pun quota for the year.

Idol Watchers!

...give it up. Australian Idol has had it's day.

It's no longer the around-the-water-cooler discussion maker it may have once been. (Or playground drinking fountain, if my idea of the viewing demographic is correct.)

It's no longer a training ground for new talent - exactly how much world-class music talent do you think is in Australia? Let alone talent that would have the vain super-stardom hunger to audition for this tripe?

It's no longer fresh, or interesting. It's tired. It's hurting. It it were human, Idol would be bleeding from it's pores. Like Big Brother, it's been done to death. Let it die.

Because, whether you know it or not, it affects all of us. Piles of ads, reams of flyers from the contestants' ~~fans~~ family and friends, and some sort of Idol moniker jammed down your throat at every turn. (Telstra, I'm looking at you.)

Please, think of others. Bin your Idol.

Yours,
J. Statler, Esq.

P.S. I anticipate that I'll have a lot of pre-pubescent detractors commenting on this. So, if you can't spell, have difficulty constructing a coherent and legible sentence, aren't taking your Ritalin, or have some form of typing-Tourette's, then don't bother. kthxkbye! ^-^

Kath & Kim: Round Two

2006-09-22T20:50:00.000+10:00

An American Kath & Kim? It's all over, folks! Evacuate the Earth!

Everytime I go and shoot my mouth off about something, there's always something to come out of it. This time, it's news from The New York Times via The Age, stating that Kath & Kim look set to be reworked for American audiences:

AMERICAN producer Ben Silverman, who adapted The Office into an American sitcom, has his sights set on Fountain Lakes' foxy ladies, Kath and Kim.

In a feature in The New York Times, Silverman has described Kath and Kim as "Roseanne meets Ab Fab".

An agreement is yet to be struck on a Kath and Kim adaptation. While Kath and Kim's executive producer, Rick McKenna, imagines Gina Riley and Jane Turner would be keen to play the American characters, he says he cannot imagine they would be suitable for an American network.

Now while I take a moment to compose myself (i.e, swallow my own rage, vomit and fear that this could be the worst thing for Aussie stereotypes since Paul Hogan), a question to all you good blog-reading folk. Does this idea really have a snowball's chance in hell of working?

The Sound Of Statler

2006-09-20T21:11:00.000+10:00

This is what I sound like unedited on a tiny microphone crammed into the back of a Daihatsu. (Not mine, obviously.) Be kind.

It's Official: Kath & Kim Most Overrated Programme Ever

2006-09-13T14:35:00.000+10:00

Kath & Kim: May be noice and un-ewe-ual, but is no Skippy.

Regular Aussie viewers of "da chewb" may have stumbled across Channel Nein's 'celebration' specials 50 Years, 50 Shows and 50 Years, 50 Stars.

What strikes me as incredible is that Kath & Kim were highlighted in both shows - as the sixth best Australian show of all time, and Kath & Kim as the second biggest living Australian stars.

But before I "cut sick, bro" - let's establish some good things abou Kath & Kim.

- Kath & Kim is easily the best home-made comedy since the Frontline/D-Generation/Fast Forward/Comedy Company days.

- Kath & Kim is well written - the lines "Monogamy is old-fashioned, all you need these days is a veneer of monogamy" alone stand as world class comedy.

- There's no doubt that Gina Riley, Magda Szubanski and Jane Turner between them have pumped more comedy gold into Australia over the past 15 years than almost anyone you can point a stick at.

But does that mean that Kath & Kim needs to be instantly hurled into the annals as one of our most sacred shows? Is it more important than Homicide, more seminal than Skippy, more iconic than Hey Hey It's Saturday?

Do they deserve to be held higher than Countdown, Norman Guston, The Sullivans, Paul Hogan, Number 96, and God - dare I say it - Neighbours? How do you think history will remember them?

And were there any other surprises that caught your eye - i.e. How the hell did Rove McManus, Enough Rope and Delta Goodrem even make these lists? Get some scope!

And Now, A Random Thought From Statler*²

2006-09-12T14:20:00.000+10:00

Why haven't I ever seen a disabled parking space with a time limit?

*Yes, I stole the title from Hambo. But if Rove McManus has taught us anything, it's that all the world's best ideas are worth stealing.

²Yes, this is an example of lazy blogging.

Radio Statler: What Is This? Some Sort Of Meme?

2006-09-07T15:15:00.000+10:00

Music is something I haven't touched on much here at Couch Culture, which is strange because it's such a big part of my life. So I thought to introduce my musical tastes to you all, I'd use the meme I found some time ago on our good friend mindlessmunkey's blog.

Here's the drill. I put my pod into random mode. For the first 50 songs that are played, I record the opening lyrics (to the best of my ability!). Your job is to guess what those songs are. Some are blindingly obvious. Some are really embarassing. Some are so obscure I wouldn't be surprised if I'm the only person in Australia listening to them.

So get to it! I'll put the answers up as people get them right. You have one week to get your answers in / make fun of my musical taste. And don't go Googling for the answers!

1. Standing on the beach with a gun in my hand / Staring at the sky, staring at the sand.
Killing An Arab - The Cure

2. Bones, bones, brittle little bones.
Don't Call Me Whitney, Bobby - Islands

3. Yeah, all the king's horses and all their men / They can't keep you together.
Karma Package Deal - 78 Saab

4. Some things will stay the same / The shape of a power-point won't change.
Clint - Something For Kate / Jebediah

5. You can do anything you want as long as it makes sense.
You Can't Fool Me Dennis - Mystery Jets

6. Alexander /Our older brother / He set out for / a great adventure.
Neighbourhood #2 (Laika) - Arcade Fire

7. I know how to cheat at Tattslotto / I've got a great idea for a song.
I'm Interested In Apathy - TISM

8. Had a little bit to drink / There's a little thing I wanted to do out east.
You Sound Like Louis Burdett - The Whitlams

9. Here come Monday morning / Life is open wide / I hide my bad vibes.
Shortwave - The Presidents Of The United States Of America

10. I've got the Dungeonmaster's Guide / I've got a twelve-sided die.
In The Garage - Weezer

11. Don't change your name / Keep it the same / For fear I may lose you again.
A.M. 180 - Grandaddy

12. We've got an intergalactic invasion on our hands / Don't call security, they won't understand.
Above The Dove - Screamfeeder

13. This here's a tale for all the fellas / Try to do what those ladies tell us.
Bust A Move - Young MC

14. There is a road that meets the road that goes to my house.
July! July! - The Decemberists

15. Life goes on / Nothing is new / Judge made it clear I can't be near you.
Restraining Order Blues - Eels

16. Talking away / I don't know what's left to say.
Take On Me - A-ha / Reel Big Fish

17. We can dance if we want to / We can leave your friends behind.
Safety Dance - Men Without Hats

18. Bring that Jolly Roger on home.
Seven - ¡Forward, Russia!

19. Ooh ooh, It's true / That he loves me more than you.
Dogs Are the Best People - The Fauves

20. She came all the way from America / She had a blind date with destiny.
Mean To Me - Crowded House

21. A gentle winter haze / Creeps in at 3:44.
Hindley Street - Powderfinger

22. My name is Hiro, I am 51 / Since 1980 life has been no fun.
Hiro's Song - Ben Folds

23. Intravenously polite / It was the walkie-talkies that knocked the pins down.
Invalid Litter Dept. - At The Drive-In

24. I've got a new apartment, baby / And it protects me from the lonely, whistling streets.
Apartment - Custard

25. I ripped your heart out from your chest / Replaced it with a grenade blast.
Incinerate - Sonic Youth

26. I've exposed your lies, baby / The underneath's no big surprise.
Plug-In Baby - Muse

27. This room is like the belly of a ghost.
Beating Of A Drum - Eskimo Joe

28. Oh, and all the things too fragile to see / Well, your tin hat you take off around me.
Zoo Time - Mystery Jets

29. I've got your photographs 15 times on my wall / I've got your autographed underpants in my drawer.
I Like Your Old Remix Better Than Your New Remix - Regurgitator

30. Her name is Yoshimi / She's a black-belt in Karate.
Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots (Part 1) - The Flaming Lips

31. We're famous / Contagious / We make outrageous claims.
Xfire - The Bens

32. I got a new haircut / It cost me just six bucks.
Rumble - You Am I

33. I had nine lives, but I lost all of them.
The Lost Song - Cat Empire

34. All this talk of getting on / It's getting me down, my love.
The Drugs Don't Work - The Verve / Ben Harper / Grinspoon

35. They came in the evening / Looking for a fight.
Revolution Regained - The Living End

36. Life is a paradox / Seems that I care a lot.
Track 1 - Regurgitator

37. I need a change / Not to imitate / But to irritate.
Cemetery - Silverchair

38. I got some money in my pocket / I got the car keys in my hand.
Anarchy Means Crossing When It Says 'Don't Walk' - TISM
-OR-
Evie (Part 1) - Stevie Wright / The Wrights

39. She / She screams in silence / A sullen riot penetrating through her mind.
She - Green Day

40. You got a great car / Yeah, what's wrong with it today?
Bohemian Like You - The Dandy Warhols

41. All the people in such a town / I feel alone but never down.
In The City - Gerling

42. My hair ain't boofed or blonded / My TER was so-so.
I Rooted A Girl, Who Rooted A Guy... - TISM

43. I've got a friend in Jesus / He's got a friend in me / He's a bit hung up on God but we've agreed to disagree.
Summer - Machine Gun Fellatio

44. When I'm a-walking / I strut my stuff / Then I'm so strung out.
Blister In The Sun - Violent Femmes

45. You took a trip / And climbed a tree / At Robert Sledge's party.
Not The Same - Ben Folds

46. I'm not feeling alright today / I'm not feeling that great.
Sheep Go To Heaven - CAKE

47. Had a girl and she did me wrong / I didn't let that kind of shit go on too long.
Tiki God - The Presidents Of The United States Of America

48. Drinking / Water to stay thin.
You Stole the Sun From My Heart - Manic Street Preachers

49. When I was a kid I grew up in a house on a hill.
Middle Of The Hill - Josh Pyke

50. Melody / Fragile as a dream / Lullaby / That lives on the breeze.
Fragile - Pre_shrunK

(Now I have an excuse not to blog for a week! Ha ha!)

A Tale Of A Jerk And A Mike

2006-09-05T15:25:00.000+10:00

Guy Smiley: You used to be cool, mang.

This story is proudly sponsored by my good blogging colleague Yvonne of nektros.com. Yvonne wrote a story of delicious revenge, something that has inspired me to share a story of my own.

I was bundled along to a charity trivia night some time ago, and it was hosted by the king of sleaze. I'm sure you can paint your own mental picture - a grotesque lovechild of Guy Smiley and a real estate agent. (Red blazer included.) You could smell his ego as you entered the room.

During one of those between-round minigames that are played at these events, I got down to the final two in a true-false game. Now, the other bloke and myself were both intelligent fellows (if I do say so myself) and it took us a few minutes to find a question we both didn't agree on.

The question was - "Did the Karma Sutra originate from Asia?". Tame questioning I know, but it was a charity event. I said yes, my counterpart said no. It's in the bag, I thought. But I was wrong. Apparently the Karma Sutra originates from India.

I hear you shout "India - but that's a part of Asia!" And that's pretty much what I shouted at him, along with a few kind audience members. But instead he awarded the prize - a two night stay in a hotel - to my opponent.

Now as you can imagine, I was mad as all hell. But I contained my rage, and asked him and my opponent politely for another question "in the interest of a fair game." It was obvious that our lovely host was not being paid by the hour, and had printed the questions straight off the internet. The confusion carried on for a minute or two, and was ended pretty abruptly when our smiling host lost his cool and very audibly spat into his microphone "I DON'T CARE!".

You could hear the air being sucked out of the room. You could hear a pin drop. And then, our gracious host sprung back into his usual demeanour. "Oh Of course I care, folks!" he said, with enough cheese to make a diary farmer sick.

I got my rematch. I lost. I was gracious about it. But I did get a prize that night - knowing that such an inconsiderate, unproffessional jerk will have a lot of trouble finding work in this town again.

Feel free to share your own stories of sweet revenge.

The Adventures Of The Playboy Bunny (And Other Stories)

2006-09-02T14:54:00.000+10:00

The Playboy Bunny: The Great Wall Of China was built to keep it out.

Occasionally there is a branding logo that causes offence to my eye, so badly it damages my cornea and burns my retina. It's not the Coca Cola label, or Nike Swoosh™ , but the Playboy Bunny.

I seem to see it everywhere - on the back of cars, in clothing, on every product imaginable - and now on women.

Now, I really don't like tattoos even when they're done in the most tasteful way possible. The only tattoos I even have any basis of respect for are the tasteful australian flag and olympic rings you see on some swimmers, and former concentration camp Jews looking to hide/remember their camp number. So when I see a girl with a Playboy Bunny plastered on her shoulder, half of me wonders what the hell is going through her head to make her forever brand herself a tart, and the other half of me wants to throttle her.

So in this forum of discussion that is Couch Culture, please answer me these riddles three: Gents, how do you feel about tattoos? Ladies, what is the fascination with the Playboy Bunny? And on a general level, what in a potential partner is enough to make you sprint for the exit?

Let's Talk Positively About TV (For Once)

2006-08-29T15:21:00.000+10:00

Yes, I watch Iron Chef. Yes, I'm slightly embarassed.

When I was a kid, my Mum always told me that if I have nothing nice to say, then I shouldn't say it at all. So I thought instead of a winge, I will post some praise about TV shows that I actually enjoy.

1. My Name Is Earl: Impossible not to love. Jason Lee is one hell of an actor, and Earl is one hell of a character. It's a fresh idea, and the writing runs the full gauntlet from subtle to funniest-home-video style shenanigans. The instant likability of Earl is the jewel in the crown.

2. South Park: I only watch it for the biting social commentary. Honest!

(Well, there goes my credibility.)

3. Boston Legal: An absolute bargain, two fantastically developed characters for the price of one. Dare I say it: William Shatner is a good actor?

4. Family Guy: I'm a sucker for ridiculously constructed pop-culture references. Reading my blog, who would've thought?

5. Iron Chef: If not for the camp-ness of the entire show, if not for Chairman Kaga's outfits, then for the fantastic food they serve up. "Surprise Chef" Aristos has nothing. Nothing!

Other shows I love, but usually miss because of work or some other commitments: The Chaser's War On Everthing, Spicks & Specks, The Daily Show, Media Watch, Futurama and The Shambles.

So you see, I'm not a bitter old man, angry at everything. I actually do enjoy a laugh. I know it's stranger and possibly more disturbing than a Craig McLachlan comedy show, but there you have it.

It's A Hit!

2006-08-26T14:16:00.000+10:00

Yes, I put this picture up again just to annoy you, Yvonne.

Prepare yourselves for another burst of Tench-bashing.

Without a computer to hold me back, I've found myself watching much more TV than maybe I should be. And yet again, I've found something on Channel Ten worth bitching about.

First, it was Ten's promotion of it's "hit new series" David Tench Tonight, which didn't even manage to win it's timeslot. (Quote courtesy of News Ltd.):

Among other debuts this week was the Ten Network's heavily promoted, animated talk show David Tench, which last night came up against Celebrity Survivor but managed only 1.14 million viewers.

Then, I was bemused to find Ten's new British purchase It's Me Or The Dog billed during an ad break as a "hit new series" before it has even premiered in Australia.

So it seems that all you need to have a hit is an actual product. Using this logic, I would now like to establish Couch Culture as "A Hit New Blog", hoping to gain an audience of stupid people who actually believe what is good for the faceless masses must be good for them. And then we may just have a chance of converting them into actual people and making the world a better place.

Killing Time

2006-08-24T13:57:00.000+10:00

In a tragedy to rival the demise of Hey Hey It's Saturday, once again I have blown my home PC into a million pieces. Well really it's still all in one piece, but that is what I would like to do to it seeing as it has failed me for the second time in three months. So while I rock gently back and forth in the corner in my semi-comatose state, please enjoy this list of things people have suggested I do with all my new-found spare time, complete with my responses.

Go and see Snakes On A Plane. (No mother f'n chance.)
Learn to cook. (What, you don't like my Kartoffelpuffer*?)
Finish reading "Catch-22" by Joseph Heller. (Do I have to? It's like Dr Seuss for adults.)
Exercise more. (I think I speak for the entire nation whan I say ,"If you exercise for pleasure rather than health or money, you seriously need your head checked.")
Go and tell Andrew O'Keefe to stop being a fool. (Done that.)
No, physically go and say it to his face. (Done that too.)
Really? (Yes!)
Find the cure for Cancer. (It's not like I haven't been trying.)
Paint the house. (I don't like paint.)
Fine, clean the house. (I don't like houses.)
Learn some funky dance moves. (I'm pretty sure that's illegal.)

I'm happy to take any other suggestions.

*It's a German potato pancake. What do you mean you've never heard of it?

It Must Be Spring

2006-08-21T19:30:00.000+10:00

Spring. Actual results may vary.

I think Spring officially arrived for me today.

It was a nice, warm day here in Statlerland, so I decided to take a bit of time out by having a walk around a particularly well-known lake. I was thoroughly enjoying myself, walking along with sun beaming and headphones blasting, when I was suddenly swooped by a magpie. Because I was listening to my music, I didn't realise what had happened until the bird came back for it's second attempt. Naturally, I ducked, but the magpie ripped what must have been a small strand of hair out of my scalp, either with it's beak, or grabbing it with it's feet. Quite frankly, I didn't see, I was out of there in a shot!

The second time I found Spring was late this afternoon, when the local kids started playing in the street again. Not something I've been looking forward to, considering the kids only have one volume setting AND IT'S NOT A QUIET ONE. Add the fact that I went spare at a neighbour last year for leaving her two-year-old unattended in the street (I nearly backed over the poor kid with my car), thus making me your friendly local Evil Incarnate ("Avert your eyes, children!"), and I know soon enough my stress ball will need replacing.

Sigh.

At least it will be summer soon. I'm sure there are other good points I'm missing, but I can't find them right now.

File Under:

Statler

Hooray For Plaudits!

2006-08-20T13:20:00.000+10:00

A quick heads-up to Liz at successful-blog.com, who somehow saw it fit to award me a coveted award as a Successful and Outstanding Blogger. I also win some used ticket stubs from the new "Charlie And The Chocolate Factory" movie, and half a bag of crushed Oreos.

Liz, I have no doubt that this won't be the last time I'm called an SOB because of what I write, but I'll thank you in this particular instance. It also brings me one step closer to ~~world domination~~ the respect of my peers, so again, thank you.

The Tench Of Failure

2006-08-18T12:15:00.000+10:00

David Tench, proudly animated using the Sega Master System.

So I admit it. I did watch the premiere of "David Tench Tonight". Because I desperately hope that one day, someone will actually create an Australian show on commercial TV that will make me laugh. And not in a "This episode of Neighbours is so poorly scripted and acted, that I'm going to wet my pants" style of laughter.

Unfortunately, David Tench didn't even allow me to laugh at it's rank awfulness. Put simply, it defied physics by sucking and blowing at the same time. One of my housemates and I were even betting on whether the show would last past the first ad break.

But someone recently told me that I should be clearer about my opinions, so here is a point-by-point account of exactly why David Tench makes baby Jesus cry.

As I mentioned earlier, why would you let the cat out of the bag three weeks before the premiere, instead of riding the Gabbo wave and having half the country tune in to see what the fuss is all about? If you're going to employ the evil temptress that is a viral marketing campaign, have the balls to use it to it's full effect.

As my housemate pointed out to me, "Stiff, awkward and poorly animated... and that's just Pat Rafter!". The viral marketing capaign is a very aggressive campaign. It draws attention to the show immediately, and we all know that first impressions count. Why would you open your premiere with, quite possibly, the most wooden interviewee in Australia?

We're clearly not at a point technologically where live 3D animation isn't disconcerting. I kept wondering what was going on with Tench's eyes. Was that supposed to be a blink?

David Tench's charisma, or lack thereof. Anything that makes Darryl Somers look good needs to die. Very quickly.

I believe we were promised world class celebrities. Who knows Ella Hooper outside of Australia? Who knows Ella Hooper outside of Violet Town?

Trying to be controversial does not make you cool. Look at Sam Newman and John Laws, there are now three month waiting-lists for people wanting to kick their arses.

Is David Tench American or Australian? Choose one!

The man behind Tench is a terrible, terrible interviewer. Inserting a zoom-in to Tench's head and thoughts won't cover up his gaffes, guys. It's like covering up Russell Crowe's stupidity with a guitar.

So to others who subjected themselves to the "comedy stylings" of Tench, what do you think? Have I hit the mark, or is Tench the funniest thing on Australian TV since The Wedge? I await your verdict.

File Under:

Television

Five Searches That Have Brought People To Couch Culture

2006-08-17T15:21:00.000+10:00

Now with added hares!

In the two months that Couch Culture has been running, I've had quite a few people drop in via search engines. Most have been "Yasmin's Getting Married", "David Tench" and the always hilarious "Yasmin's Getting Axed". But now and again, there are one or two incoming searches that make me stand up, take notice, and laugh my arse off just a little. This is the story of those searches, awkwardly assembled into a list as part of the problogger.net group writing project.

"White Guy Dance Off Jig" - Now why do I have the feeling that someone is laughing at me? Try a search for "Kevin Bacon" and work from there. No need to thank me.

"The Sock Puppet Movie" - Back off Hollywood, this one's mine.

"Male Maturbation"- Slightly disturbing, but then again, I do have the tendency to talk a bit of wank at times. I only hope that it isn't someone who is looking for (snigger!) pointers.

"Chez Statler" - Are Christian Voice trying to work out where I live, or is it just someone looking for a French coffee house? You decide.

And finally, my favourite, and most recent incoming search - "Ukrainian Rabbit Vodka" - There is just so much wrong with that, I don't know where to start.

So, to my fellow bloggers, what are the strangest searches that have led people to your site? And not to leave the non-bloggers out, what is the most out-of-context site you've found while using a search engine?

File Under:

Interwebs

Where The Bloody Hell Are You?

2006-08-16T17:13:00.000+10:00

Aloisi delights in seeing one actual person who has come to watch the game.

Regular readers may be familiar with a rant I had during the World Cup. Well, from an Australian perspective, after the World Cup, seeing how most of us lost all interest in the competition as soon as our boys were knocked out by those ~~lying, cheating, unsportsmanlike~~ gentlemanly Italian fellows.

So I thought I'd put a quick post up to remind you all that The Socceroos are playing a match against Kuwait in Sydney tonight. What, you didn't know? But hasn't the media made a incredible fuss about it, like they did with our gallant soldiers in Germany? No?

I'm so confused.

(P.S. Go Archie! And Kristian!)

Strange Happenings In The Former Soviet Union

2006-08-14T22:05:00.000+10:00

And after we're done... we're gonna race shopping carts! RAWK ON DUDE!

Very strange news has surfaced in the Ukraine recently, as scientists believe they have found pyramids like those in Egypt. (Courtesy of my new favouritest Russian website in pravda.ru):

Gigantic pyramids, very similar to Egyptian ones, have recently been discovered in Luganshchina. Scientists conclude that five thousand years ago, a highly developed civilization lived on the territory of modern Ukraine.

This unusually important find was noticed just two years ago by school-children from an archeology camp. So far, only the top sections of the huge constructions have been uncovered and scientists say that it will take a whole decade to fully clean the soil off the pyramids.

Any Aussie would tell you that something built to that massive scale must have been built to keep the rabbits out. And who can blame them, when you have rabbits of this size hopping around central Russia:

Residents of Novoselovo district in the Krasnoyarsk region have come across a mysterious phenomenon in the field. They discovered several tunnels of unknown origin in an area located some 100 meters away from the highway connecting the cities of Krasnoyarsk and Abakan , in the vicinity of the village of Kurgany.

There are about 10 holes in the field. Each hole has an entrance to a cave-like hollow place in the earth. Some of the tunnels are big enough for a person of medium height to stand up straight.

What's going on here? I'm guessing a vodka-fuelled posse of archaeologists are touring the former Soviet block creating archaeology-related jackass-style pranks and mayhem. Tenuous I know, but does anyone else have any theories?

Australian TV Comedy Lives!

2006-08-14T14:45:00.000+10:00

Rival stations please take note: this is how you put together a well concocted, convincingly performed and all-around well executed piece of comedy.

Plus, when I first saw it, I laughed so hard a tiny bit of wee came out.*

*With full respect to the comedy stylings of The Sandman.

The Things You Find When Searching Through Old Study Papers

2006-08-13T15:55:00.000+10:00

This is your brain.

This is your brain during the OH&S requirement of your tertiary education. (Click for a better view.)

Yep, this is the last surviving copy of the first and only adventure of Jim the Sock Puppet. Too bad I forgot my crayons that day, isn't it? Enjoy!

And Now: Some Hard-Hitting Journalism

2006-08-11T23:09:00.000+10:00

Much more important than Lebanon.

While browsing the Interwebs, as one would do on a Friday night when trying to avoid the Friday Night Piss-up, I came across this picture on a website purporting to be a quality new service (news.com.au: Breaking News 24/7) . The picture also links to this "article":

Send us your viral snaps

Send us wacky snaps from your camera or mobile phone and we'll publish a selection of the best photos on NEWS.com.au.

Well first of all, suggesting that people send in "viral" and "wacky" photos is only going to end up misunderstanding, tears, and a possible high-profile lawsuit.

Secondly, how the hell is this journalism? The mind boggles.

News Limited, I don't expect you to be the BBC. But at least pull up your pants and try to have some journalistic integrity.

File Under:

Television

But That Only Happen In Movies!

2006-08-11T14:10:00.000+10:00

In an effort to get some good comment-creating action happening here on Couch Culture (and remove pictures of Yasmin from my front page), I thought I might share a story.

This story happens in a country far, far away, even farther away than Perth. I had the night off work and had joined some friends at a local establishment for drinks and all-round good ol' fashioned funtimes™ when one of my friends (he is a dancer), suggested we all go down to the bar in the basement where the dance music was playing.

I'm definitely not the dancing type, there was even a special bill passed through the Australian Senate last year forbidding me to wiggle my butt in public. But since I wasn't in the country, there was no need for fear of incarceration, and I soon found myself doing the straight-white-guy dance.

The basement bar was a little less crowded than the one above, and there was no marked out dance floor, so we simply picked out a spot, stood in a circle and had a bit of a jig. Naturally, my dancer friend was busting a few moves and putting the rest of us in our place. It also helped that he was at the point between be drunk enough to lose all inhibitions, and being sober enough to stand.

Suddenly, a group (posse?) of five guys confronted us. One of the guys took my friend aside and has a stern discussion with him. The rest of the posse produced video-phones.

It was on. A dance-off.

I'd always thought dance-offs only happen in movies and poor excuses for music videos. But here it was, happening in front of me on a Tueday night in a semi-urban backwater.

The competition was tight. Everytime my friend busted something out, his opposition followed it up with something equally good. As we neared the end of the song, it was impossible to pick a winner.

Then he did it. Timed perfectly with the last bar, a magnificently executed split. The bar went wild. The enemy was vanquished. Handshakes and hugs were exchanged between my friend and the posse.

And then he came to me, and I realised just how drunk he was by the look in his eyes. And he said something to me that I'll never forget.

He said:"Statler, who won?"

The next time I saw him, he told me that he only barely remembered the entire incident, and had never heard the song he danced to before that night, and so he didn't know when it would end. From what I hear, the dance-off is now a part of that bar's folklore.

So now I ask you, dear blogreaders, have you ever been witness to something that has made you say "But that only happens in movies"? Or something else similarly bizarre? Please drop your answers in the box provided.

File Under:

Statler

That's It! I'm Buying A Mac!

2006-08-10T10:13:00.000+10:00

Double the killer? What the hell?

Open Correspondence With Channel Seven

2006-08-08T12:01:00.000+10:00

One of my biggest qualms about the state of Australian television is that the three commercial networks are more increasingly (over about the past five years or so) running programmes overtime, particularly in primetime. Let's face it, if the commercial TV stations were running metropolitan train services, the Government would have fined them so heavily that they wouldn't be able to run a cost-effective business. Channel Seven, from my obsevations, seem to be the worst culprit, so about a month ago, I wrote a letter to Channel Seven's General Enquires office (I would have prefered email, but apparently Seven don't do general enquiries by email, surprising considering they're in partership with Yahoo) :

I was hoping you could satisfy my curiosity.

Is there a standard practice with Seven's programme scheduling that pushes most programmes 7-10 minutes later than the advertised starting time, thus making switching to a rival station after a Seven show an unsavoury option as rival programming has already long since commenced?

Or is this phenomenon simply a side-effect of staff ineptitude?

Yours Etc.
J. Statler, Esq.

Weeks passed, and I forgot about my harsh-but-fair enquiry. And then today, I finally recieved my reply.

Dear Mr Statler,

We recieved your recent undated letter.

We acknowledge that programs (sic) can occasionally start several minutes after the advertised time and you will find this across the board with all commercial networks. The scheduled timing vary slightly due to timing issues throughout the day.

We appreciate you taking the time to write to us. Letters such as yours are a valuable source of viewer insight into viewer attitudes and concerns.

Yours Faithfully,
Ray.

He raises a valid point in suggesting that all commercial stations do it, but I knew that already, and it sounds like the type of "Everyone else is doing it" excuse that a twelve year old boy uses when he's been caught smoking behind the shelter sheds. Overall, the reply is played with such a straight bat it would have made Don Bradman proud. And my question wasn't answered. Why does this have to happen? If the Government networks can run to advertised times, if community radio stations can run to time, then why can't a large corporation with millions of dollars run to their own schedule?

I'm considering writing a more in-depth response. Watch this space. Thoughts on the issue are more than welcomed.

File Under:

Yasmin's Getting Axed! (Really This Time!)

2006-08-06T21:42:00.000+10:00

Getting that Gold Logie's going to be even harder now.

From the Sydney Morning Herald:

Network Ten has left the would-be bride at the altar, canning its latest reality TV instalment, Yasmin's Getting Married, after just one week.

The show - playing cupid to find a young woman a husband - was dumped today after a pitiful ratings debut.

Hooray for reasoning in a world full of insanity! And all this after I posted this article a few days ago.

I haven't been this smiley and delighted since I was sung 'Happy Birthday' in the middle of Swanston Street by two mates and a guy dressed as a sperm. In peak hour. Two months before my birthday.

It really is that good.

And yes, I'm aware that I take delight in very strange things. Don't bother pointing that out.

File Under:

Television

David Tench-ed

2006-08-05T22:01:00.000+10:00

Ray Martin called: he wants his hair back.

Dear Channel Ten,

I have absolutely no respect for your shoddy marketing campaigns, but if you are ever going to pester every person in Australia with an annoying viral campaign again, like you have with "David Tench Tonight", for God's sake don't let the cat out of the bag three weeks before the show begins.

You could have had half the country tune in for the premiere, but you screwed it up. Idiots.

I now expect to see "David Tench" killed off at the end of the year in a triple mercy killing including Rove Live and The Wedge. And then I hope the Australian comedy industry takes out a restraining order on you.

Shame, shame, shame.

Yours etc,
J. Statler, Esq.

-EDIT-

Looking for more Tench, eh? Head on over to my ~~disemboweling~~ review of the David Tench Tonight premiere here.

File Under:

Television

Oasis Of Wisdom

2006-08-03T13:15:00.000+10:00

I'll smash yer face in, geezer... Just let me finish my Dostoevskiy.

I have always been under the impression that the band Oasis were just a bunch of fighting, boozy, drugged up attention whores, basically floating around without a grasp of the real world. I wouldn't have given them the time of day.

That was, however, until I was forwarded a book of music quotes by a friend of mine, which graced some of the most brilliant, insightful and probably blasphemous thoughts I have ever read about the modern-day music industry. And God.

But don't take my word for it, because for your edification, I give you eleven of the most intelligent quotes you will ever hear a popstar say: (Beware: Naughty words ahead!)

"He was in Take That! He's a fat dancer from Take That. Somebody who danced for a living. Stick to what you're good at, that's what I always say."

Noel Gallagher on Robbie Williams.

"They should be shot."

Noel Gallagher on The Backstreet Boys.

"They don't do anything. Make a record, you lazy bastards!"

Liam Gallagher on The Rolling Stones.

"The bloke's on another planet!"

Noel on Robbie Williams, again.

"She looks like some fucking tart from fucking Newcastle."

Noel on Christina Aguilera.

"Just because you sell a lot of records, it doesn't mean you're any good. Just look at Phil Collins."

Liam Gallagher.

"He's a fuckin' circus monkey!"

Noel has another dig at Robbie Williams.

"If a guy suddenly appears before me with a big beard and locks and all that caper and performed some fucking miracle, and then said to me "Liam, I am God", I'd say, "Fair enough, it's a fair cop. I didn't believe in you, but fair play, you've got me. But until that day comes, he can fuck right off."

Liam on God.

"Kylie Minogue is just a demonic little idiot as far as I'm concerned. She gets cool dance producers to work with her for some bizarre reason, I don't know why. She doesn't even have a good name. It's a stupid name, Kylie, I just don't get it."

Noel on Kylie.

"She can't even chew gum and walk in a straight line, let alone write a book."

Liam on Victoria "Posh" Beckham.

"I despise hip hop. Loathe it. Eminem is an idiot and I find 50 Cent the most distasteful character I have ever crossed in my life. Eminem's new song about his kid - isn't it the most ridiculous piece of music you have ever heard in your life? I just don't like the dragging women around on dog leads and all that stuff."

Noel on Hip-Hop and R'n'B.

File Under:

Music

My Mum Would Be So Proud

2006-08-02T11:41:00.000+10:00

Who would have thought you could find such a deliciously relevant picture on Teh Webbernet?

Today is my anniversary.

No, I'm not married or anything. Today is the anniversary of the day I decided to give up caffeine. Well, I quit around this time last year. What do I look like, a swiss timepiece?

I've never been a coffee or tea drinker, but I always had a sly penchant for [insert globally recognised beverage with a registered trademark here]. One day I realised that, not only was I helping prop up a company that would probably rate quite highly on "The Big List Of Global Corporations That Need A Good Rap On The Knuckles", but it was quietly messing with my sleep cycle and hurting my hip pocket. It's not all that healthy too, apparently.

In fact, my little experiment has been so successful, I've been ruminating for as much as six months as to whether I should quit drinking too. I've always been only a very occasional social drinker, so I've never had any problems with it, but I've always been a little dumfounded by the idea of a ritual body-poisoning on a Friday night.

So I'm asking: has there been anything in your life that you've given up - it doesn't have to be food, drink or smoking - and what were your experiences? Especially if there are any former, or even non-drinkers out there, I'd like your comments, too.

File Under:

Statler

Yasmin's Getting Axed! (Hopefully)

2006-08-01T11:59:00.000+10:00

I wouldn't be putting my money on a Gold Logie. She'd have to beat Rove, John Wood, Darryl Somers, The Veronicas and the dog from Neighbours to even stand a chance.

So Yasmin's Getting Married. But does anyone care?

Ten are billing it as (wait for it...) "Bridget Jones's Diary meets Sex & The City meets Fawlty Towers." Translated it means there will be half a hour allotted on Ten every weekday to show John Cleese do his Ministry of Silly Walks bit wearing expensive stilettos and a pair of granny undies.

Riveting.

In fact, I would sooner have a sub-thermal rivet injected into my spine than be subjected to another reality TV show. Or I could just mail a dictionary to Ten with the words "Diversity" and "Variety" highlighted in fluoro yellow. It would be more expensive, but it would save me the inconvienience and discomfort of paraplegia.

I give it a week.

-Edit-

Find my most recent thoughts on the show's actual axing here.

File Under:

Television

More PC Madness

2006-07-31T16:24:00.000+10:00

(From Reuters via The Australian):

A BRITISH woman has been ordered by police to take down a sign on her garden gate that said, "Our dogs are fed on Jehovah's Witnesses".

Pensioner Janet Grove, who owns a jack russell terrier puppy called Rabbit, insisted the sign was a gentle joke to discourage callers.

Her late husband put the sign up more than 30 years ago when members of the church called at their house on Christmas Day. But police were forced to act after receiving a complaint.

"We were informed by a member of the public who found the sign to be distressing, offensive and inappropriate," a police spokesman said.

It's reassuring to know that's there's someone out there looking out for the little guy, huh? Although something in the back of my mind tells me that this person won't kick up the same fuss next time someone satirizes telemarketers. Telemarketers have feelings too, you know!

File Under:

Do-gooders

Five Reasons To Be Excited About TV This Week

2006-07-30T15:07:00.000+10:00

Gretel Killeen, when she first began hosting Big Brother.

1. After 4,057 days and 13,284 contestants, Ten's Big Brother finally ends. Boy, that just flew by, didn't it?

2. The premiere of First Tuesday Book Club on the ABC. Not my cup of tea, but it would have to be the first original idea on Australian TV since Fishcam.

3. Channel Nine actually scheduling a Saturday afternoon movie worth watching - Casablanca.

4. The return of Rafferty's Rules to Channel Seven. Giving the people what they want. Or something.

5. Midnight Zoo, Quizmania and Hotdog's Uplate Game Show all on the air at the same time. Goodbye insomnia, hello quiz-induced comas.

File Under:

Television

Fat Off!

2006-07-29T10:34:00.000+10:00

A suicide waiting to happen. And not because of the Alf T-shirt.

The fat police are at it again.

These past few days, in case you haven’t heard the word on the ground, have been filled with the reactions in Canberra of the findings of a study that suggests junk food advertising is deliberately targeting children. Well shock horror! Won’t somebody please think of the children! Well the Gubbinment won’t, apparently.

Now, it’s very uncharacteristic of me to side with the likes of McDonald’s and company, but I don’t think they’ve done all that wrong here. We live in a capitalist society, and it’s hardly illegal for a company to candour to a specific age group. If it was, 14 year old girls would be smuggling copies of “The Steph Show” like it was crack.

Not that I believe that these companies should be completely vindicated, however. They still do dish out unhealthy serves of shit on a plate (or in a wrapper, in most cases), but at least they don’t tie down people in a medieval-style rack and force them to eat their food.

No, what annoys me out of this whole mini-saga is the ever-continuing pointing of fingers. Brace yourselves for an old man rant.

It seems to me that modern-day western society, we are increasingly moving towards the point where no-one is willing to take responsibility for anything. Why that is I’m not quite sure, I guess the main factor is that it’s a lot easier to blame someone else’s actions than to analyse your own.

I’m proud to say that I personally take responsibility for the things I put into my body. I’m not some health-conscious nutbag measuring out my niacin intake for the day, either living in fear of the possibility of putting on weight again, or fear of being objectified by society for my weight, or whatever reason someone can give for being a fitness freak.

However, I do make sure I get my necessary intake of all the good stuff it takes to run a human body. I cut the fat off my steak, I eat my greens and my lean figure thanks me. I’ll never have rock-hard abs, but I know that I’m fit and healthy. And it’s not just food. I’m happier walking to the train station instead of catching the bus, and I’ll drink tap water rather than bottled crap because I know the tap water will be better overall for my immune system. And that’s what it boils down to (sorry about the water-related pun). I’m fit and healthy because I stay informed.

Education is the key to winning over the obesity epidemic. Parents, this means you! Stop pointing fingers at McDonald’s, television, the Gubbinment and pretty much anyone who walks into the room, and take some control over what your kids are eating. They’re ultimately too young to take responsibility for themselves, so you need to.

And I’m not just talking about “99% fat free means you can eat it” style education, either. Teach them the value of good eating. Teach them how to make good food taste good. Teach your kids to respect their bodies too, and they’ll be ready to take responsibility. C’mon, the schools are holding up their end of the bargain.

So hopefully one day, we can all take responsibility for ourselves and put the obesity epidemic behind us. And maybe then I won’t be chastised by complete randoms for taking the rare liberty of cracking open a fucking bag of Skittles.

File Under:

The Theory Of Advanced Darwinism By Steve Irwin*

2006-07-27T13:41:00.000+10:00

Don't tell him khaki isn't his colour; he'll kick you in the head.

From The Daily Telegraph:

CROCODILE whisperer Steve Irwin has yet again proved his model father status, boasting about how he allows his 8-year-old daughter to kick his two-year-old son.

It's all part of the law of survival, says the man who infamously fed a crocodile while holding his newborn son.

In Irwin's latest tip for parents, he says he allows his daughter Bindi to "belt'' her two-year-old brother Bob - so long as she takes her shoes off first.

"When Bindi belts Bob I say, 'Bin, I realise you have to pick on your little brother, but take off your shoes before you kick him in the head','' he said.

"That way, she gets to whack him and he doesn't get hurt.

"That's a compromise. Everybody's happy,'' he said.

Ladies and gentlemen, we have finally found the answer to the eternal question: Why does Steve Irwin caper around like a brain damaged four year old?

* Now available at Wagga Wagga TAFE!

File Under:

Idiocy

Unsubstantiated Rumour Wednesday!

2006-07-26T11:10:00.000+10:00

I'm still hoping that I can get a weekly feature up and running on Couch Culture sometime soon. I've tried previously, but it fell a bit flat, So I've decided to "audition" a few different ideas over the next month or so, and then run a poll at the end to help me decide. (Who would have thought that there could be an actual use for an Internet poll?)

So today, I give you Unsubstantiated Rumour Wednesday! Unsubstantiated Rumour Wednesday was created by a few of my friends and I during high school, out of our hate of the New Idea-style media. But before we launch into UR Wednesday, a public service announcement from Captain Obvious.

Captain Obvious says: "This is complete fiction, so don't sue Statler for defamation!"

This week's unsubstantiated rumours are:

Ernie Sigley has actually been dead for the last three years. The producers at 3AW have been cutting and pasting his shows together using old samples in secret.

The ABC have found the answer to their financial woes, after the Chaser debacle led thousands of rugby league fans to call Auntie to place an order for the "Rugby League Supporters Kit".

In a bold move, Channel Nine have invited Don Burke back to the station. Apparently the front garden of the Richmond studios has a bit of weeding that needs done.

In line with Karl Stefanovic's admission last week that he is a robot, it appears that Jessica Rowe is, in fact, a marionette.

In John Howard's birthday celebrations today, ASIO officers presented him with the gift he has always wanted - surveillance photos of a nude Steve Waugh.

File Under:

Features

Woman Wins Quiz Show; Is Still An Idiot

2006-07-24T23:13:00.000+10:00

The Moon. (Image not actual size.)

From Yahoo UK:

A housewife is planning to buy a plot of land on the moon after winning £1 million on a gameshow.

Sarah Lang, 31, from Newport, South Wales, scooped the prize in the tense finale of ITV1's Pokerface, hosted by entertainers Ant and Dec.

The mother-of-two held her nerve against opponent Julian Sperring-Toy in the finale of the game of general knowledge and bluff.

"I have always been fascinated with stars and space so I'm going to get a strong telescope in my garden. I have heard that you can buy plots of land on the moon. It might be worth something in a few years."

And the moral of the story is, kids? Being a quiz show winner doesn't mean you're smart. Or rational. Or sane.

Still, if she wants to throw away her money like that, and loves space so much, I'd be happy to sell her boxes full of space for, oh I don't know, a few thousand pounds? Get in touch soon, Sarah, I've got an absolute bargain for you.

File Under:

Blogosphere Love

2006-07-23T23:42:00.000+10:00

Thanks to Michael of Insanity Creek and Adam 1.0 of The Supermercado Project for adding me to their blog links. It's validating to know that two blogging veterans care enough about Couch Culture (especially in it's infancy) to not only comment on it, but link to it. Thanks again.

(You watch, they'll hunt me down for calling them veterans now.)

File Under:

Interwebs

War: What Is It Good For? TV Ratings

2006-07-23T23:22:00.000+10:00

Couch Culture Presents: A beginners guide to journalism.

This will sell a lot of newspapers and air-time.

This won't sell as many newspapers or as much air-time.

Hezbollah - Israeli - Lebanese Conflict, 12-23 July, 2006. Estimated casualties on all sides: Around 472.

Java Earthquake/Tsunami, 17 July, 2006. Estimated casualties as of 23 July, 2006: At least 649.

Hezbollah - Israeli - Lebanese Conflict: Front Page of Melbourne's Sunday Herald-Sun.

Java Earthquake/Tsunami: Small blurb on Page 30.

Without commenting on the politics or possible ramifications of the Hezbollah situation, trying not to use the human body count as some sort of macabre yardstick, as well as not meaning to imply that the Hezbollah conflict doesn't deserve the attention of the world;

On behalf of the Javanese people I would like to send out a hearty "Fuck You!" to most (if not, all) Western media outlets for their woeful coverage of another humanitarian crisis that is happening right now.

Pricks.

-Update-

And to further prove my point, there's been a storm in China that I didn't even know happened. At least 600 dead and more than 3 million relocated - What do you have to do to get a bit of media coverage?

File Under:

What A Bunch Of Wankers

2006-07-19T23:04:00.000+10:00

Richard Wilkins: A trip to London next month?

Are you a wild one? Looking to meet new people? Perhaps you're a little lonely and looking for some likeminded individuals... If so, I hope you're in the Greater London area early next month for Masturbate-a-thon 2006. (Courtesy of The Guardian):

Channel 4 is to bring mass public masturbation to the small screen.

The broadcaster - once led by Michael Grade, dubbed "pornographer in chief" by the Daily Mail - has commissioned a documentary about the UK's first "Masturbate-a-thon" as part of a series of programmes dubbed "Wank Week", MediaGuardian.co.uk can reveal.

In what must surely be one of the summer's more bizarre events, hundreds of people are expected to gather in a hall in central London on August 5 to pleasure themselves in aid of charity.

The organiser of the event, the San Francisco-based Centre for Sex and Culture, has run mass masturbation events in the US for the past five years to raise money for safe sex groups and plans to replicate the formula in the UK.

The event will encourage Londoners - both male and female - to sign up sponsors and head to Clerkenwell in order to masturbate in front of hundreds of others.

Prizes will be on offer for those who clock up the most orgasms and those who can masturbate the longest - the current record, according to the organisers, is a chafing eight-and-a-half hours.

It takes the Yanks to come up with an idea like this and attempt pull it off. (Multiple puns very much intended.) Still, for me, it's a much more savoury way to meet people than MySpace. At least at Masturbate-a-thon you're a lot less likely to come in contact with perverts.

File Under:

1337 I Ain't

2006-07-18T19:57:00.000+10:00

As regulars may have noticed, I've been giving Couch Culture a bit of an overhaul over the last few days. There's still work to be done, mainly in the post section and it looks as though I may have to completely redo the header, but if anyone spots something they like, or any problems with the design, I'd love it if you could leave your comments in a brown paper bag at the usual address. Thanks.

The Humour Vacuum

2006-07-15T16:12:00.000+10:00

Hey Dad: It wasn't funny, but at least it was ours.

A quick look through this week TV programming shows a worrying trend. Let's have a look at the prime-time hours between 6pm and 11:30pm.

On the three major commercial channels, over the course of this last week, there was exactly two hours and fourty minutes of Australian comedy shown. Just three shows - Australia's Funniest Home Video Show, The Wedge and Rove Live (Or as I call it, Hey Hey It's Tuesday). If you had just entered the country, you would be excused for thinking that these three shows are the pinnacle of Australian TV comedy. (Though I do admit, I left Big Brother's Friday Night Live and The Footy Show set out of my little survey as entertainment/sports shows.)

Add SBS and the ABC and you can have another two hours of dinky-di Aussie laughs, courtesy of Spicks And Specks, The Glasshouse, repeats of Kath And Kim, and The Chaser boys.That's 2.3 percent of that prime-time filled by Australian comedy. 2.4 percent if you include the government funded stations. Overall, all comedy shows across the commercial stations come in at a poor 6.3 percent, 6.5 pecent with all stations included.

So it's probably no wonder that the Australian public has forgotten what humour is and has lashed out at Chas from The Chaser (lifted from ninemsn):

A comedian with ABC TV's The Chaser's War on Everything has been charged with offensive conduct after what senior police describe as an "act of mindless stupidity" outside a rugby league clash.

Chas Licciardello was filming a prank at Friday night's NRL clash in Sydney between the Bulldogs and St George-Illawarra.

Crowd violence when the two teams met earlier this year sparked a crack down on anti-social behaviour at Bulldogs games, with NSW police deploying its riot squad to all their games since.

Licciardello admits to being dressed in a Bulldogs' jersey and beanie outside the ground prior to the match at OKI Jubilee Stadium in Sydney's south.

"I was filming for our show, hawking off a Bulldogs supporters kit, it was a silly thing, it had fake knuckle dusters, balaclavas, that sort of stuff," Licciardello told Southern Cross Broadcasting.

"Most of the people took it pretty light heartedly but a couple of the supporters got a bit angry and then the police stepped in."

So what is it that has stolen the public's taste for a laugh? What happened to that noble Aussie ability to have a good laugh at yourself? Is it the stress of modern day life? Too much time looking over your shoulder for the Terrorist boogeymen? Has all this hashed and rehashed CSI-style bullshit left some of us as sober as judges? Or is it something completely different? Your thoughts and comments appreciated.

File Under:

Smiling Happy People

2006-07-14T17:57:00.000+10:00

The people of Vanuatu living life the way it should be - pants optional.

The Natalie Cole "Keep Smiling" award goes to the Pacific nation of Vanuatu, which was recently listed as the happiest place on earth. (Courtesy of our good friends at the Beeb):

People can live long, happy lives without consuming large amounts of the Earth's resources, a survey suggests.

The 178-nation "Happy Planet Index" lists the south Pacific island of Vanuatu as the happiest nation on the planet, while the UK is ranked 108th.

The index is based on consumption levels, life expectancy and happiness, rather than national economic wealth measurements such as GDP.

This is particularly a huge achievement for the tiny island chain, considering they still maintain that happiness despite being the home of Seven's Celebrity Survivor.

Still, I send a warning to the Vanuatuan Government - don't use the term "Happiest Place On Earth" if you don't want to be sued. Hell, it might just be easier to change the country's name to DisneyWorld just to be safe. Disney are in a money-hungry mood right now. Be afraid.

File Under:

World

We Now Resume Normal Programming (II)

2006-07-10T22:41:00.000+10:00

Well, after an enforced and unwelcome hiatus, the second most popular muppet /pop culture / snark related blog in Central-Southern-Eastern Melbourne is back in action. What's that? You didn't miss me? Pah.

The Chez Statler computator now has an extra 60GB, so now I can now pump 50% more of my shit onto teh interwebs. Huzzah! I'm sure my attourney's mouth is watering at the prospect of a few more litigious threats to counter.

And I must say, it's good to be back. Old taped (and now illegal) episodes of Lancelot Link can only chase boredom away for so long. Like about 30 seconds.

Multiple Choice Question Time

2006-07-07T15:23:00.000+10:00

Statler has been neglecting Couch Culture because:

A. He destroyed his computer's hard drive and has been waiting on a new one.

B. He has been called in as an emergency intruder for Ten's Big Bogan.

C. He is being held captive by a right-wing extremist militia known only as Family First.

D. He has been busy working on a script for a big-screen adaption of the hit TV series The Wedge.

E. All of the above.

The choice is yours.

(By the way, don't forget to text 'Statler' to 199 2SAVE)

Taking The Puff Out Of The Puff Piece 30/6/06

2006-06-30T12:58:00.000+10:00

It's time again for another installment of Puff, where we take a notable piece of non-journalism and give it the treatment it deserves.

---

From The Sun via UPI, 26/6/06:

Anti-drug groups are up in arms over a marijuana-laced iced tea marketed in Britain as a healthy drink even though mind-altering chemicals have been removed.

The drink is legal because the THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, has been taken out.

The containers to be used in Britain say that the beverage imparts "a fantastic natural feeling," The Sun reported. The containers also have a picture of marijuana leaves and advertise that the drink contains hemp blossom syrup and an extract of hemp bloom.

Australian anti-drug groups have also been in contact with British authorities, stating "No-one wants another Rove on their hands."

---

From The ABC, 30/6/06:

An investigation has begun into the theft of 15,000 litres of petrol from a service station at Croydon in Sydney's inner-west.

The owner of the Elizabeth Street service station had no idea he had been robbed until yesterday morning when a customer complained that a pump was not working.

When he checked the underground tank, its padlock and latch were missing.

Police believe the criminals will be easily recognisable as they will be the only people able to afford to drive.

---

From The Age, 30/6/06:

Cardiff mother Kelly Watton, 17, was shocked to find she had fed her 18-month-old son a chocolate bar that was 23 years out of date - and four years older than she was.

She had also given her mother one, but her mother alerted her to the fact that it was dated February 1983. Toddler Jayden was unharmed.

Meanwhile, the search for the missing two years of Ms Watton's life continues.

File Under:

Features

To Market, To Market...

2006-06-28T14:10:00.000+10:00

Drought-striken farmers are now being forced to plant Telemarketer crops.

Recently at Chez Statler, we've been bombarded from all angles by Telstra asking us to sign up for that scurge of television, Foxtel. Over the last week, we've received four or five calls for "various reasons" (including an inquiry during a call we made to Telstra regarding billing), an imaginary brochure which no-one recieved but according to the good people at Telstra is reason enough for discussion, and finally, a house call.

I was lucky enough to be the one chosen to deal with our door-knocking friend.

Statler: Yes?
Friendly Salesman-type: Hello, er... sir... (Ah, the delights of a one-way screen door) I'd like to talk to you about the Foxtel brochure you recieved...
Statler: Look, we're not interested.
Friendly Type: (without batting an eyelid) I understand you're not interested, sir, but I'd like to take a survey...
(The door was closed at this point)

Immediately after this, I was lectured by a visiting friend for being a pure incarnation of evil and was told I was going to hell (I think the words she used were "going to see Richard Carleton") for "slamming" the door in the poor guys' face. I was forced to make a three point rebuttal:

1. I object to being targeted by such a transparent marketing campaign. It's insulting to my intelligence.
2. I object to being as questions such as "Can I ask why you're not interested?" and "I'd like to take a survey...". I'm under the suspicion that such questions are designed to make me question my own choices and I consider it an insult to my intelligence.
3. I can clearly see that they look to take advantage of the "Let's Be Polite And Hear Them Out, Because That's The Australian Thing To Do" mentality of most people. And who would've thought? I find that insulting to my intelligence too.

And besides, it's the guy's job. I'm sure there are people out there who are a lot more mean than me, and I'm sure he didn't go home and cry about what I did to him.

So blogreaders, is this reasonable, or just silly paranoia? Where is the point where it's time to shut the door in their face? And to those who have worked for these companies (I'm looking at you, students), are these genuine marketing strategies, or would I be better off using my imagination to write the next Da Vinci Code-style conspiracy thriller?

Filed Under:

Rant

We Now Resume Normal Programming

2006-06-27T11:17:00.000+10:00

So, we'll see you back here for the Kuwait game, right? Right, guys? Guys?

Filed Under:

Football

It's A Great Advertisement For Football, BUT...

2006-06-25T19:22:00.000+10:00

NEWS JUST IN: PM Howard taken hostage by terrorists. "Friends" applaud captors.

I have been in a foetal position for the past few days, trying desperately to understand just why on earth anybody cares about Australia's World Cup run. Don't get me wrong, I'm a football lover myself. I was there as a kid, cheering on my own small-time heroes as they played for an NSL club that doesn't exist anymore. I was calling it football before the blokes who now own it changed the name. I was even lucky enough to go to my first English FA Cup match earlier this year.

And then it finally occured to me why people suddenly seem to care. And it's not that we've reached the second round. It's not that it's a fairytale. It's not because "this team has a lion's heart, to fight until the end."

It's because there's a split round in the AFL.

It was so obvious. Add to that the fact that everyone who cares has disowned the NRL because the Storm are on top of the ladder again, and you realise the only reason we are being barraged by bandwagon jumpers is because there's nothing else to jump up and down about.

So fuck off back to your own games, bandwagoners. And for the rest of us diehards, and the newly converted, I'll see you for the Kuwait game in August.

File Under:

Sport

Taking The Puff Out Of The Puff Piece 23/6/06

2006-06-23T10:29:00.000+10:00

Welcome to what I hope will be a regular fixture here at Couch Culture, and won't fall victim to a hideous, horrible trainwreck like an Australian comedy show. No need to explain, it does what it says on the can, so let's get into it.

From The ABC (21/6/06):

There has been another escape from Auckland Zoo.

Three otters are the latest to make their dash for freedom after they slipped out of their newly repaired nesting box a week ago.

One of them - a female called Jin - was spotted 10 kilometres away, having made her escape down a creek and across Auckland Harbour.

The zoo has already had to deal with a number of escapes this year.

A ringtail lemur, a serval cat and two spider monkeys all got out of their enclosures in February.

The otters are expected to return once they realise how bad the Auckland nightlife is.

---

From The Age (22/6/06):

Top New York endocrine surgeon William B. Inabnet listens to the Red Hot Chili Peppers while performing difficult operations because he believes "that's good pancreas music".

Doctor Inabnet says his next experiment will be listening to James Blunt while performing gall bladder surgery, because "listening to that shit sure keeps my gall bladder working".

---

From The ABC (22/6/06):

Chinese scientists have discovered an orchid that reproduces in an adverse climate by twisting its male sexual organ so that it can fertilise its female organ.

It is believed to be the first known case in the plant world.

The pink-flowered orchid, Holcoglossum amesianum, defies gravity by turning its anther through 360 degrees in order to insert pollen at its tip into the female cavity, the stigma.

The plant's clever form of self-pollination "is likely to be an adaptation to the orchid's dry and insect-scarce habitat and may be widespread among species growing in similar environments," suggest the authors, led by Huang Laiqiang of Tsinghua University in southern China.

The study is published in the British weekly science journal Nature.

This discovery has come as no shock to Australian TV audiences, who are adamant Don Burke has been self-fertilizing for years.

File Under:

Features

Christians' Cross

2006-06-22T06:36:00.000+10:00

Rooney loves fingerpaint time at Kindy.

Lifted from The Independent:

* On the day Wayne Rooney returned to England's starting line-up, off-the-pitch activities have once more put him in the firing line. The Liverpudlian superhero's new Nike advert - pictured right - has upset right-wing Christians, who see it as a "bastardised" portrayal of the Crucifixion.
In the billboard poster, unveiled to great ceremony this week, the striker appeared with arms outstretched, and red paint across his naked front. Since Rooney is England's supposed saviour, critics believe this to be an unwieldy attempt to draw parallels between his swift return from injury and Christ's Resurrection.
The pressure group Christian Voice - which has run a long, noisy campaign against Jerry Springer: the Opera - yesterday issued a stern condemnation of the Nike poster.
"The cross is so iconic that it sadly being often used in advertising in a tasteless manner," said the organisation's national director, Stephen Green. "There are surely other ways for Nike to get their message across. Footballers are exalted celebrities. I'm not blaming the players, but their agents should think a little more carefully about the kind of publicity they get sucked into."
Nike, for its part, denied that the poster was designed to offend.
"This shot is not intended to have religious connotations," said a spokesman. "It's a celebration of Wayne Rooney's unique goal celebration style represented with a St George Cross. Wayne celebrates with his arms outstretched."

Once again Christian groups with too much time have shown us the right path. Hallelujah! And in line with Christian Voice's belief that every cross is their cross, Couch Culture will now be boycotting the use of the letters "t" and "x", in case their use offends our right-wing religious friends.

Couch Cul-ure also sugges-s Chris-ian Voice should speak wi-h -he Red Cross, Swi-zerland, Sco-land, all Scandanavian coun-ries, the Mal-ese, halfbred dogs, and of course -he musical duo "Kris Kross" abou- -heir misuse of -his mos- sacred of symbols.

File Under:

Buzz In Whenever You're Ready...

2006-06-15T06:37:00.000+10:00

Can someone please point out to Bert that he's talking to imaginary people again?

Game shows give me the shits.

Let's take Temptation for example. It's a longtime popular concept, middle and upper class types answer reasonably difficult general knowledge questions for cash and luxury prizes. The idea is that a reasonably intelligent audience will tune in to test their mental dexterity. Fair enough. But why then sign up Livinia "I killed Hey Hey" Nixon, whose every off-cuff remark is so cringe-worthingly idiotic that by the end of the show I'm doubled over in pain?

Bert's Family Feud. Poor old Moonface's dementia has gotten so bad that half the time he forgets what he's doing and the other half he doesn't realise how bad the writing is. I'd be in my right mind to go down to Richmond and smack the director and writers in the chops for stitching up a TV legend into appearing in such a huge pile of shit.

Deal Or No Deal. Andrew O'Keefe - You are not Guy Smiley. You are not your Uncle JOK. The world is not powered alone by electricity generated by your ego. So for fuck's sake, just relax and be a normal person for once, at the rate you're going your heart's going to give out by the time you're 43.

Wheel of Fortune. It's bad enough that 99% of the contestants are stupid enough to applaud themselves, but why put a former Miss Universe contestant in multicoloured rags and trot her down a catwalk endlessly? Especially now the letter tiles are now automatic plasma screens? Hey, Channel Seven, this is the twenty-first century. Sex may sell, but this is a show for housewives and retirees.

Well, at least no-one's done something stupid like bring back It's A Knockout. No wait, Channel Ten's doing that to fill the gaping hole between The Simpsons and Big Bogan's Extra Special Dirty Perv Show. I apologise.

As you can tell, game shows past and present have left a bit of scarring on the old man Statler, dear blogreaders, much like the old Man O Man pool which still scars the floor at Seven's South Melbourne studios. I think it began with Richard Wilkins' Keynotes. I just hope there's a cure.

A cure for Richard Wilkins, I mean.

File Under:

Lee Hard(ly Punk)

2006-06-12T01:59:00.000+10:00

What's wrong with this picture, Lee? You have a record contract.

Ever since Lee "Hey, check it out, my hair is crazy!" Harding came to prominence in everybody's favorite programme "Idle Australians", there has been a lot of debate as to whether the number one choice of kiddie try-hards across Australia is actually punk.

But no, blog readers, I'm not here to argue that Lee Harding is a "ignorant idiot", or abuse him of being a "watered down stereotype for the masses". Oh no, I'm much more refined than that. I'm here to tell you that Lee Harding is indeed punk. And I can prove it.

You see, while I was cruising the good ol' interweb, I happened upon the Wiktionary definition of the word punk.

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/punk

Read definition four: "(countable) (15th century) (insulting) A prostitute."

Now let's not be silly, I'm not calling him a slut. I severely doubt he could attract anyone over the age of 15 with a head like that anyway. But we all know that a prostitute is someone who does something dishonourable for money or personal gain. Hmm... like a sell-out?

Hey... There used to be this show on Channel Ten that was full of sell-outs... and... Oh wait. I think I've just made my point.

So there we are. The next time you're talking to your little brother / being accosted on the street by twelve year olds / being accosted on Myspace, and being told that "OMG lee harding iz so puNK u suK", you can agree. If they mean punk in a 15th century prostitute way.

This has been a Couch Culture community announcement.

File Under:

Music
Punk

Disclaimer

2006-06-09T23:29:00.000+10:00

This blog is intended purely for entertainment value. The viewpoints contained within are written as satire or parody or are otherwise written as fair comment, a right afforded to the author under federal freedom of speech legislation. The writer of this blog purports that those who are the subject of commentary within this blog are those in the public eye, and as such are able to be held up to scrutiny as a matter of public interest. These persons aside, any similarity or resemblence to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

In short, it's just a bit of fun, so don't lose your head over it.