The Tench Of Failure

David Tench, proudly animated using the Sega Master System.

So I admit it. I did watch the premiere of "David Tench Tonight". Because I desperately hope that one day, someone will actually create an Australian show on commercial TV that will make me laugh. And not in a "This episode of Neighbours is so poorly scripted and acted, that I'm going to wet my pants" style of laughter.

Unfortunately, David Tench didn't even allow me to laugh at it's rank awfulness. Put simply, it defied physics by sucking and blowing at the same time. One of my housemates and I were even betting on whether the show would last past the first ad break.

But someone recently told me that I should be clearer about my opinions, so here is a point-by-point account of exactly why David Tench makes baby Jesus cry.

• As I mentioned earlier, why would you let the cat out of the bag three weeks before the premiere, instead of riding the Gabbo wave and having half the country tune in to see what the fuss is all about? If you're going to employ the evil temptress that is a viral marketing campaign, have the balls to use it to it's full effect.

• As my housemate pointed out to me, "Stiff, awkward and poorly animated... and that's just Pat Rafter!". The viral marketing capaign is a very aggressive campaign. It draws attention to the show immediately, and we all know that first impressions count. Why would you open your premiere with, quite possibly, the most wooden interviewee in Australia?

• We're clearly not at a point technologically where live 3D animation isn't disconcerting. I kept wondering what was going on with Tench's eyes. Was that supposed to be a blink?

• David Tench's charisma, or lack thereof. Anything that makes Darryl Somers look good needs to die. Very quickly.

• I believe we were promised world class celebrities. Who knows Ella Hooper outside of Australia? Who knows Ella Hooper outside of Violet Town?
  

• Trying to be controversial does not make you cool. Look at Sam Newman and John Laws, there are now three month waiting-lists for people wanting to kick their arses.

• Is David Tench American or Australian? Choose one!

• The man behind Tench is a terrible, terrible interviewer. Inserting a zoom-in to Tench's head and thoughts won't cover up his gaffes, guys. It's like covering up Russell Crowe's stupidity with a guitar.

So to others who subjected themselves to the "comedy stylings" of Tench, what do you think? Have I hit the mark, or is Tench the funniest thing on Australian TV since The Wedge? I await your verdict.

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• Television