Killing Time

In a tragedy to rival the demise of Hey Hey It's Saturday, once again I have blown my home PC into a million pieces. Well really it's still all in one piece, but that is what I would like to do to it seeing as it has failed me for the second time in three months. So while I rock gently back and forth in the corner in my semi-comatose state, please enjoy this list of things people have suggested I do with all my new-found spare time, complete with my responses.

• Go and see Snakes On A Plane. (No mother f'n chance.)
• Learn to cook. (What, you don't like my Kartoffelpuffer*?)
• Finish reading "Catch-22" by Joseph Heller. (Do I have to? It's like Dr Seuss for adults.)
• Exercise more. (I think I speak for the entire nation whan I say ,"If you exercise for pleasure rather than health or money, you seriously need your head checked.")
• Go and tell Andrew O'Keefe to stop being a fool. (Done that.)
• No, physically go and say it to his face. (Done that too.)
• Really? (Yes!)
• Find the cure for Cancer. (It's not like I haven't been trying.)
• Paint the house. (I don't like paint.)
• Fine, clean the house. (I don't like houses.)
• Learn some funky dance moves. (I'm pretty sure that's illegal.)

I'm happy to take any other suggestions.

*It's a German potato pancake. What do you mean you've never heard of it?