"Give Me My Spread, Or I'd Rather Be Dead..."

Australian PM, John Howard.

DATELINE: CANBERRA - Shocking news today as Australian PM John Howard declared war against the United States over it's refusal to recognise Vegemite as a food.

"It's un-austrayan," the PM told the world in a press conference outside Kirribilli House today. "It's a cowardly act, and it's a threat to our way of life."

"It's not for the United States to go about and dictate the world from their moral high-horse", he continued. "The United States must be stopped!"

In a brief media release, opposition leader Kim Beasley was quoted as saying "We're fucked!" and, "This is the last time I vote for the Libs!"

Mr Howard also took the opportunity to introduce the Government's new Minister for Attack, Mark Brandon "Chopper" Read.

"Faarken scallywags!", Mr Read was heard to remark.

Howard refused to reveal how he plans on attacking the American menace, however, strangely, he did demand that all DVD copies of "Crocodile Dundee 3" and anything involving Yahoo Serious be surrendered to the Australian Army as soon as possible.