Five Things I Don't Want For Christmas (And Four I Do)

Saturday, December 23, 2006, 3:29 PM

As the Christmas holidays are bearing down on us like an alleged English prostitute strangler, what better time for me to make a list of things I do and don't want for Christmas, and ever-so subtly make it fully available to the general public.

Firstly, here's what I don't want:

Anything by Il Divo: A bunch of vocally abrasive, over-glorified, warbling cover singers. Write some of your own music and then maybe we can talk. Though probably not.

Socks And Jocks: Honestly, if you think that socks and underwear are a good idea for a gift, then make an new year's appointment for a head exam.

High School Musical DVD: Now with bonus Karaoke disc!!1! Hang on... since when has karaoke ever been cool? Remember kids - say no to drugs.

Tickets To Happy Feet: I never thought I'd see a movie with more hype than the second coming of Jesus. And yet, strangely, I still don't care.

On the bright side, if you're still struggling to find me the perfect gift, maybe this list will help guide you.

Forward Russia's Give Me A Wall: So good, I want a second copy.

The Disappearance Of Richard Wilkins: Well, I can dream, can't I?

Use of the word "Xmas" made illegal: I'll keep pronouncing it "Crossmas" until people learn.

Some Good TV this summer: I swear, if Ten continues to show ads for Laguna Beach, I'm sure it's going to elicit hate crimes against Americans.

Merry etc. from your old friend Statler.