Oasis Of Wisdom

I'll smash yer face in, geezer... Just let me finish my Dostoevskiy.

I have always been under the impression that the band Oasis were just a bunch of fighting, boozy, drugged up attention whores, basically floating around without a grasp of the real world. I wouldn't have given them the time of day.

That was, however, until I was forwarded a book of music quotes by a friend of mine, which graced some of the most brilliant, insightful and probably blasphemous thoughts I have ever read about the modern-day music industry. And God.

But don't take my word for it, because for your edification, I give you eleven of the most intelligent quotes you will ever hear a popstar say: (Beware: Naughty words ahead!)

"He was in Take That! He's a fat dancer from Take That. Somebody who danced for a living. Stick to what you're good at, that's what I always say."

Noel Gallagher on Robbie Williams.

"They should be shot."

Noel Gallagher on The Backstreet Boys.

"They don't do anything. Make a record, you lazy bastards!"

Liam Gallagher on The Rolling Stones.

"The bloke's on another planet!"

Noel on Robbie Williams, again.

"She looks like some fucking tart from fucking Newcastle."

Noel on Christina Aguilera.

"Just because you sell a lot of records, it doesn't mean you're any good. Just look at Phil Collins."

Liam Gallagher.

"He's a fuckin' circus monkey!"

Noel has another dig at Robbie Williams.

"If a guy suddenly appears before me with a big beard and locks and all that caper and performed some fucking miracle, and then said to me "Liam, I am God", I'd say, "Fair enough, it's a fair cop. I didn't believe in you, but fair play, you've got me. But until that day comes, he can fuck right off."

Liam on God.

"Kylie Minogue is just a demonic little idiot as far as I'm concerned. She gets cool dance producers to work with her for some bizarre reason, I don't know why. She doesn't even have a good name. It's a stupid name, Kylie, I just don't get it."

Noel on Kylie.

"She can't even chew gum and walk in a straight line, let alone write a book."

Liam on Victoria "Posh" Beckham.

"I despise hip hop. Loathe it. Eminem is an idiot and I find 50 Cent the most distasteful character I have ever crossed in my life. Eminem's new song about his kid - isn't it the most ridiculous piece of music you have ever heard in your life? I just don't like the dragging women around on dog leads and all that stuff."

Noel on Hip-Hop and R'n'B.

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• Music