My Backspace Key Is Broken, Honest!

Friday, December 29, 2006, 1:55 PM

Paris Hilton heartily supports Pants-optional Thursdays.

No doubt it's all over the news and spread across every page of the wank glam mags - Paris Hilton has hit Sydney in a big way. So in an effort to follow the trends of the pubic public, I buckled down and got an interview with the Princess of Pop-trash. And despite what that famewhore Angela Bishop says, I did not steal this interview from her.

Statler: Hi Paris, thanks for joining me.

Paris: No problem, Angela.

So what brings you to Australia?

Money. Some guy is paying me a crazy amount of money.

Err... Anything else? What about Australian beaches... or the friendly people... or the fantastic nightlife? You know, all that stuff that visiting Hollywood stars usually say?

No. Just money. And I hear that there's a guy called Statler around here somewhere. He's hot.

Okay then. Paris Hilton, thanks for your time.

Interview terminated so the slut interviewee could take a cold shower.

And Now, For No Good Reason...

Wednesday, December 27, 2006, 7:45 PM

... here's Myron.

Five Things I Don't Want For Christmas (And Four I Do)

Saturday, December 23, 2006, 3:29 PM

As the Christmas holidays are bearing down on us like an alleged English prostitute strangler, what better time for me to make a list of things I do and don't want for Christmas, and ever-so subtly make it fully available to the general public.

Firstly, here's what I don't want:

Anything by Il Divo: A bunch of vocally abrasive, over-glorified, warbling cover singers. Write some of your own music and then maybe we can talk. Though probably not.

Socks And Jocks: Honestly, if you think that socks and underwear are a good idea for a gift, then make an new year's appointment for a head exam.

High School Musical DVD: Now with bonus Karaoke disc!!1! Hang on... since when has karaoke ever been cool? Remember kids - say no to drugs.

Tickets To Happy Feet: I never thought I'd see a movie with more hype than the second coming of Jesus. And yet, strangely, I still don't care.

On the bright side, if you're still struggling to find me the perfect gift, maybe this list will help guide you.

Forward Russia's Give Me A Wall: So good, I want a second copy.

The Disappearance Of Richard Wilkins: Well, I can dream, can't I?

Use of the word "Xmas" made illegal: I'll keep pronouncing it "Crossmas" until people learn.

Some Good TV this summer: I swear, if Ten continues to show ads for Laguna Beach, I'm sure it's going to elicit hate crimes against Americans.

Merry etc. from your old friend Statler.

Pun Of The Day

Wednesday, December 20, 2006, 7:08 PM

Today's pun of the day award goes to for it's tactful use of punnery regarding the Socceroos' Asian Cup draw.

What genius! Ja-can't-maica them better than that. I-raq-kon that deserves a prize, and I think Ger-many of you would agree with me. As I-ran out of puns, does anyone have any suggestions?

Channel Seven: The Boardgame!

Monday, December 18, 2006, 12:53 PM

Coming soon to stores across Australia just in time for Christmas - it's the Seven board game!

Marvel at the fun and enjoyment you have with family and friends, and you play the official board game of Australia's favourite television network*!

Oh oh! Kochie makes an ill-taste joke! Miss a turn!...

Oh Dear! Daryl Somers brings The Best Of Red Faces back to TV! Go back three spaces!...

Yay! Today Tonight succeed in stealing another story from A Current Affair! Move ahead four!...

It's classic fun for all the family! Get in quick, and get the hit DVD, "Ten Years of Naomi Robson". Here's a sneak peek:

*Cos' we said we are.

Frog, Journalism Dead

Sunday, December 10, 2006, 5:28 PM

Miracle frozen frog dies

THE Territory frog that made national news after it survived being frozen solid in a freezer has died.

Sue Hoddinott found the frog in the freezer at a Darwin cafeteria on Monday, and when convinced to thaw it out, it came back to life.

But she returned to her Karama home on Thursday to find it dead.

"The poor little mite passed away," she said. "I came home ... and he had carked it.
And that, my friends, is why I'll never visit Darwin. That city moves at such a breakneck pace that I think it would kill me.

I really do.

How To Alienate A (Vaguely) Intelligent Voter

Friday, December 01, 2006, 10:31 PM

I normally don't bother with politics here on Couch Culture, but during the state election in Victoria, something crossed my path which I couldn't help getting a little worked up over.

Suffrage. So many have fought so long for universal suffrage, from women, to the Aboriginals and African-Americans, to almost any minority imaginable. The idea being that we all have the capacity to form our own values and opinions and vote accordingly.

So with the apparent wealth that my local MP seemingly had behind his campaign, considering the endless stream of mail-out trumpet-blowing crap my housemates had received, surely I would've also been sent something. Something to tell me of their policies, to inform me of their direction, to recognise my existence. And then, just a few days before the vote, I receive this:

The offending flyer, as seen by the Motorola ShoddyCam on the now world famous Coffee Table Of Doom.

Oh yeah, the ALP trivialised my vote. Because, of course, I can't form intelligent opinions about anything that matters, and I could only be interested in iPods and boobies and McDonalds Happy Meals and flashy lights. (Well, okay, they were right about the boobies.) And that's how the ALP lost my vote.

Rant over. Normal service resuming shortly.