If We Can't Have A War On Terror Board Game, Then The Terrorists Have Won!!1!

Friday, September 29, 2006, 10:34 PM

A member of TISM enjoys the terror board game.

From The SMH:
It's like Trivial Pursuit or Monopoly, except you play with suicide bomber cards and wear black balaclavas with the word "evil" stitched across the

As well as the suicide bomber cards and "evil" black balaclavas, the board game includes terrorist cards, radiation counters and "World Bank of Capitalism" bank notes.

The makers of War on Terror: The Boardgame describe it as "a family game to be played with Granny on Boxing Day" but survivors of last year's terror attacks on London's public transport system are appalled.

The makers admit their board game is likely to be controversial but say it is actually designed to show the futility of war.

"Some people suggest that turning the War on Terror into a board game is a tad insensitive. I always reply that starting a war is insensitive; a board game is just fun for all the family," the game's co-designer, Andy Tompkins, said in a statement.

Moneyspinner or morbid? Fun or fucked?

For the last few days, I've been knocked down with the dreaded man-flu, so my brain's not in a position to process an opinion. But what do you guys think? Are you a believer in ultimate irreverent comedy (i.e. that nothing, absolutely nothing, should be off limits), or do you think that there needs to be some taboos in humour in order to keep the balance?

And, more importantly, should "board game" be one word, or two?

Show / Bag

Monday, September 25, 2006, 11:38 PM

Warning: Objects in image may be more expensive than they appear.

Kids! Bogans! Slack-jawed yokels! Lend me your ears!

It's Royal Melbourne Show time again. A magical time to... well, blow a wad of cash, really. So if you're going to blow a wad of cash, why not blow it on the bestest showbag money can buy - The Couch Culture showbag!

You get:

1 x J. Statler, Esq. Figurine (Dances to the tune of "Bust A Move"... if you get him drunk enough.)

1 x strand of hair from one J. Statler, Esq. (It's a treasure that'll last a lifetime! Especially with advanced cloning techniques!)

1 x khaki shirt (That'll put my showbag on every bogan's wishlist.)

1 x copy of Daryl Somers' Songlines (Every showbag aims to unload at least one piece of crap on an unsuspecting public.)

4 x Rohypnol tablets (Hey Mum! Ever tried to get the kids in the car after four bags of fairy floss and a day at the show?)

1 x Jana Wednt (Well, no-one else wants her!)

1 x doll from the Bratz™ Herpes range (Mummy, why does my Maddiyssen doll have red spots?)

1 x "The Very Best Of The Wedge" DVD (That's right, a blank disc.)

1 x Dagwood Dog (Celebrate your day with some fried processed meat on a stick. Mmm!)

...and of course
1 x Bertie Beetle.

All for the ridiculously small price of $200!

So get on down to the Royal Show and buy your Couch Culture bag! Get in quick, and as an added bonus, we'll give you a bag with a dodgy handle, so the bastard will split open and spill your goodies as soon as you step off the Ferris Wheel! You can't lose!

Arguments Against Botox #497

Sunday, September 24, 2006, 2:07 PM

Now there's a face to put you off your Corn Flakes.

An Open Letter To The Idol-watchers Of Australia

Saturday, September 23, 2006, 3:16 PM

Bobby Flynn: Hair today, gone tomorrow. And thus concludes my awful pun quota for the year.

Idol Watchers!

...give it up. Australian Idol has had it's day.

It's no longer the around-the-water-cooler discussion maker it may have once been. (Or playground drinking fountain, if my idea of the viewing demographic is correct.)

It's no longer a training ground for new talent - exactly how much world-class music talent do you think is in Australia? Let alone talent that would have the vain super-stardom hunger to audition for this tripe?

It's no longer fresh, or interesting. It's tired. It's hurting. It it were human, Idol would be bleeding from it's pores. Like Big Brother, it's been done to death. Let it die.

Because, whether you know it or not, it affects all of us. Piles of ads, reams of flyers from the contestants' fans family and friends, and some sort of Idol moniker jammed down your throat at every turn. (Telstra, I'm looking at you.)

Please, think of others. Bin your Idol.

J. Statler, Esq.

P.S. I anticipate that I'll have a lot of pre-pubescent detractors commenting on this. So, if you can't spell, have difficulty constructing a coherent and legible sentence, aren't taking your Ritalin, or have some form of typing-Tourette's, then don't bother. kthxkbye! ^-^

Kath & Kim: Round Two

Friday, September 22, 2006, 8:50 PM

An American Kath & Kim? It's all over, folks! Evacuate the Earth!

Everytime I go and shoot my mouth off about something, there's always something to come out of it. This time, it's news from The New York Times via The Age, stating that Kath & Kim look set to be reworked for American audiences:

AMERICAN producer Ben Silverman, who adapted The Office into an American sitcom, has his sights set on Fountain Lakes' foxy ladies, Kath and Kim.

In a feature in The New York Times, Silverman has described Kath and Kim as "Roseanne meets Ab Fab".

An agreement is yet to be struck on a Kath and Kim adaptation. While Kath and Kim's executive producer, Rick McKenna, imagines Gina Riley and Jane Turner would be keen to play the American characters, he says he cannot imagine they would be suitable for an American network.

Now while I take a moment to compose myself (i.e, swallow my own rage, vomit and fear that this could be the worst thing for Aussie stereotypes since Paul Hogan), a question to all you good blog-reading folk. Does this idea really have a snowball's chance in hell of working?

The Sound Of Statler

Wednesday, September 20, 2006, 9:11 PM

This is what I sound like unedited on a tiny microphone crammed into the back of a Daihatsu. (Not mine, obviously.) Be kind.

It's Official: Kath & Kim Most Overrated Programme Ever

Wednesday, September 13, 2006, 2:35 PM

Kath & Kim: May be noice and un-ewe-ual, but is no Skippy.

Regular Aussie viewers of "da chewb" may have stumbled across Channel Nein's 'celebration' specials 50 Years, 50 Shows and 50 Years, 50 Stars.

What strikes me as incredible is that Kath & Kim were highlighted in both shows - as the sixth best Australian show of all time, and Kath & Kim as the second biggest living Australian stars.

But before I "cut sick, bro" - let's establish some good things abou Kath & Kim.

- Kath & Kim is easily the best home-made comedy since the Frontline/D-Generation/Fast Forward/Comedy Company days.

- Kath & Kim is well written - the lines "Monogamy is old-fashioned, all you need these days is a veneer of monogamy" alone stand as world class comedy.

- There's no doubt that Gina Riley, Magda Szubanski and Jane Turner between them have pumped more comedy gold into Australia over the past 15 years than almost anyone you can point a stick at.

But does that mean that Kath & Kim needs to be instantly hurled into the annals as one of our most sacred shows? Is it more important than Homicide, more seminal than Skippy, more iconic than Hey Hey It's Saturday?

Do they deserve to be held higher than Countdown, Norman Guston, The Sullivans, Paul Hogan, Number 96, and God - dare I say it - Neighbours? How do you think history will remember them?

And were there any other surprises that caught your eye - i.e. How the hell did Rove McManus, Enough Rope and Delta Goodrem even make these lists? Get some scope!

And Now, A Random Thought From Statler*²

Tuesday, September 12, 2006, 2:20 PM

Why haven't I ever seen a disabled parking space with a time limit?

*Yes, I stole the title from Hambo. But if Rove McManus has taught us anything, it's that all the world's best ideas are worth stealing.

²Yes, this is an example of lazy blogging.

Radio Statler: What Is This? Some Sort Of Meme?

Thursday, September 07, 2006, 3:15 PM

Music is something I haven't touched on much here at Couch Culture, which is strange because it's such a big part of my life. So I thought to introduce my musical tastes to you all, I'd use the meme I found some time ago on our good friend mindlessmunkey's blog.

Here's the drill. I put my pod into random mode. For the first 50 songs that are played, I record the opening lyrics (to the best of my ability!). Your job is to guess what those songs are. Some are blindingly obvious. Some are really embarassing. Some are so obscure I wouldn't be surprised if I'm the only person in Australia listening to them.

So get to it! I'll put the answers up as people get them right. You have one week to get your answers in / make fun of my musical taste. And don't go Googling for the answers!

1. Standing on the beach with a gun in my hand / Staring at the sky, staring at the sand.
Killing An Arab - The Cure

2. Bones, bones, brittle little bones.
Don't Call Me Whitney, Bobby - Islands

3. Yeah, all the king's horses and all their men / They can't keep you together.
Karma Package Deal - 78 Saab

4. Some things will stay the same / The shape of a power-point won't change.
Clint - Something For Kate / Jebediah

5. You can do anything you want as long as it makes sense.
You Can't Fool Me Dennis - Mystery Jets

6. Alexander /Our older brother / He set out for / a great adventure.
Neighbourhood #2 (Laika) - Arcade Fire

7. I know how to cheat at Tattslotto / I've got a great idea for a song.
I'm Interested In Apathy - TISM

8. Had a little bit to drink / There's a little thing I wanted to do out east.
You Sound Like Louis Burdett - The Whitlams

9. Here come Monday morning / Life is open wide / I hide my bad vibes.
Shortwave - The Presidents Of The United States Of America

10. I've got the Dungeonmaster's Guide / I've got a twelve-sided die.
In The Garage - Weezer

11. Don't change your name / Keep it the same / For fear I may lose you again.
A.M. 180 - Grandaddy

12. We've got an intergalactic invasion on our hands / Don't call security, they won't understand.
Above The Dove - Screamfeeder

13. This here's a tale for all the fellas / Try to do what those ladies tell us.
Bust A Move - Young MC

14. There is a road that meets the road that goes to my house.
July! July! - The Decemberists

15. Life goes on / Nothing is new / Judge made it clear I can't be near you.
Restraining Order Blues - Eels

16. Talking away / I don't know what's left to say.
Take On Me - A-ha / Reel Big Fish

17. We can dance if we want to / We can leave your friends behind.
Safety Dance - Men Without Hats

18. Bring that Jolly Roger on home.
Seven - ¡Forward, Russia!

19. Ooh ooh, It's true / That he loves me more than you.
Dogs Are the Best People - The Fauves

20. She came all the way from America / She had a blind date with destiny.
Mean To Me - Crowded House

21. A gentle winter haze / Creeps in at 3:44.
Hindley Street - Powderfinger

22. My name is Hiro, I am 51 / Since 1980 life has been no fun.
Hiro's Song - Ben Folds

23. Intravenously polite / It was the walkie-talkies that knocked the pins down.
Invalid Litter Dept. - At The Drive-In

24. I've got a new apartment, baby / And it protects me from the lonely, whistling streets.
Apartment - Custard

25. I ripped your heart out from your chest / Replaced it with a grenade blast.
Incinerate - Sonic Youth

26. I've exposed your lies, baby / The underneath's no big surprise.
Plug-In Baby - Muse

27. This room is like the belly of a ghost.
Beating Of A Drum - Eskimo Joe

28. Oh, and all the things too fragile to see / Well, your tin hat you take off around me.
Zoo Time - Mystery Jets

29. I've got your photographs 15 times on my wall / I've got your autographed underpants in my drawer.
I Like Your Old Remix Better Than Your New Remix - Regurgitator

30. Her name is Yoshimi / She's a black-belt in Karate.
Yoshimi Battles The Pink Robots (Part 1) - The Flaming Lips

31. We're famous / Contagious / We make outrageous claims.
Xfire - The Bens

32. I got a new haircut / It cost me just six bucks.
Rumble - You Am I

33. I had nine lives, but I lost all of them.
The Lost Song - Cat Empire

34. All this talk of getting on / It's getting me down, my love.
The Drugs Don't Work - The Verve / Ben Harper / Grinspoon

35. They came in the evening / Looking for a fight.
Revolution Regained - The Living End

36. Life is a paradox / Seems that I care a lot.
Track 1 - Regurgitator

37. I need a change / Not to imitate / But to irritate.
Cemetery - Silverchair

38. I got some money in my pocket / I got the car keys in my hand.
Anarchy Means Crossing When It Says 'Don't Walk' - TISM
Evie (Part 1) - Stevie Wright / The Wrights

39. She / She screams in silence / A sullen riot penetrating through her mind.
She - Green Day

40. You got a great car / Yeah, what's wrong with it today?
Bohemian Like You - The Dandy Warhols

41. All the people in such a town / I feel alone but never down.
In The City - Gerling

42. My hair ain't boofed or blonded / My TER was so-so.
I Rooted A Girl, Who Rooted A Guy... - TISM

43. I've got a friend in Jesus / He's got a friend in me / He's a bit hung up on God but we've agreed to disagree.
Summer - Machine Gun Fellatio

44. When I'm a-walking / I strut my stuff / Then I'm so strung out.
Blister In The Sun - Violent Femmes

45. You took a trip / And climbed a tree / At Robert Sledge's party.
Not The Same - Ben Folds

46. I'm not feeling alright today / I'm not feeling that great.
Sheep Go To Heaven - CAKE

47. Had a girl and she did me wrong / I didn't let that kind of shit go on too long.
Tiki God - The Presidents Of The United States Of America

48. Drinking / Water to stay thin.
You Stole the Sun From My Heart - Manic Street Preachers

49. When I was a kid I grew up in a house on a hill.
Middle Of The Hill - Josh Pyke

50. Melody / Fragile as a dream / Lullaby / That lives on the breeze.
Fragile - Pre_shrunK

(Now I have an excuse not to blog for a week! Ha ha!)

A Tale Of A Jerk And A Mike

Tuesday, September 05, 2006, 3:25 PM

Guy Smiley: You used to be cool, mang.

This story is proudly sponsored by my good blogging colleague Yvonne of nektros.com. Yvonne wrote a story of delicious revenge, something that has inspired me to share a story of my own.

I was bundled along to a charity trivia night some time ago, and it was hosted by the king of sleaze. I'm sure you can paint your own mental picture - a grotesque lovechild of Guy Smiley and a real estate agent. (Red blazer included.) You could smell his ego as you entered the room.

During one of those between-round minigames that are played at these events, I got down to the final two in a true-false game. Now, the other bloke and myself were both intelligent fellows (if I do say so myself) and it took us a few minutes to find a question we both didn't agree on.

The question was - "Did the Karma Sutra originate from Asia?". Tame questioning I know, but it was a charity event. I said yes, my counterpart said no. It's in the bag, I thought. But I was wrong. Apparently the Karma Sutra originates from India.

I hear you shout "India - but that's a part of Asia!" And that's pretty much what I shouted at him, along with a few kind audience members. But instead he awarded the prize - a two night stay in a hotel - to my opponent.

Now as you can imagine, I was mad as all hell. But I contained my rage, and asked him and my opponent politely for another question "in the interest of a fair game." It was obvious that our lovely host was not being paid by the hour, and had printed the questions straight off the internet. The confusion carried on for a minute or two, and was ended pretty abruptly when our smiling host lost his cool and very audibly spat into his microphone "I DON'T CARE!".

You could hear the air being sucked out of the room. You could hear a pin drop. And then, our gracious host sprung back into his usual demeanour. "Oh Of course I care, folks!" he said, with enough cheese to make a diary farmer sick.

I got my rematch. I lost. I was gracious about it. But I did get a prize that night - knowing that such an inconsiderate, unproffessional jerk will have a lot of trouble finding work in this town again.

Feel free to share your own stories of sweet revenge.

The Adventures Of The Playboy Bunny (And Other Stories)

Saturday, September 02, 2006, 2:54 PM

The Playboy Bunny: The Great Wall Of China was built to keep it out.

Occasionally there is a branding logo that causes offence to my eye, so badly it damages my cornea and burns my retina. It's not the Coca Cola label, or Nike Swoosh™ , but the Playboy Bunny.

I seem to see it everywhere - on the back of cars, in clothing, on every product imaginable - and now on women.

Now, I really don't like tattoos even when they're done in the most tasteful way possible. The only tattoos I even have any basis of respect for are the tasteful australian flag and olympic rings you see on some swimmers, and former concentration camp Jews looking to hide/remember their camp number. So when I see a girl with a Playboy Bunny plastered on her shoulder, half of me wonders what the hell is going through her head to make her forever brand herself a tart, and the other half of me wants to throttle her.

So in this forum of discussion that is Couch Culture, please answer me these riddles three: Gents, how do you feel about tattoos? Ladies, what is the fascination with the Playboy Bunny? And on a general level, what in a potential partner is enough to make you sprint for the exit?