Taking The Puff Out Of The Puff Piece 30/6/06

It's time again for another installment of Puff, where we take a notable piece of non-journalism and give it the treatment it deserves.

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From The Sun via UPI, 26/6/06:

Anti-drug groups are up in arms over a marijuana-laced iced tea marketed in Britain as a healthy drink even though mind-altering chemicals have been removed.

The drink is legal because the THC, the active ingredient in marijuana, has been taken out.

The containers to be used in Britain say that the beverage imparts "a fantastic natural feeling," The Sun reported. The containers also have a picture of marijuana leaves and advertise that the drink contains hemp blossom syrup and an extract of hemp bloom.

Australian anti-drug groups have also been in contact with British authorities, stating "No-one wants another Rove on their hands."

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From The ABC, 30/6/06:

An investigation has begun into the theft of 15,000 litres of petrol from a service station at Croydon in Sydney's inner-west.

The owner of the Elizabeth Street service station had no idea he had been robbed until yesterday morning when a customer complained that a pump was not working.

When he checked the underground tank, its padlock and latch were missing.

Police believe the criminals will be easily recognisable as they will be the only people able to afford to drive.

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From The Age, 30/6/06:

Cardiff mother Kelly Watton, 17, was shocked to find she had fed her 18-month-old son a chocolate bar that was 23 years out of date - and four years older than she was.

She had also given her mother one, but her mother alerted her to the fact that it was dated February 1983. Toddler Jayden was unharmed.

Meanwhile, the search for the missing two years of Ms Watton's life continues.

File Under:

• Features

To Market, To Market...

Drought-striken farmers are now being forced to plant Telemarketer crops.

Recently at Chez Statler, we've been bombarded from all angles by Telstra asking us to sign up for that scurge of television, Foxtel. Over the last week, we've received four or five calls for "various reasons" (including an inquiry during a call we made to Telstra regarding billing), an imaginary brochure which no-one recieved but according to the good people at Telstra is reason enough for discussion, and finally, a house call.

I was lucky enough to be the one chosen to deal with our door-knocking friend.

Statler: Yes?
Friendly Salesman-type: Hello, er... sir... (Ah, the delights of a one-way screen door) I'd like to talk to you about the Foxtel brochure you recieved...
Statler: Look, we're not interested.
Friendly Type: (without batting an eyelid) I understand you're not interested, sir, but I'd like to take a survey...
(The door was closed at this point)

Immediately after this, I was lectured by a visiting friend for being a pure incarnation of evil and was told I was going to hell (I think the words she used were "going to see Richard Carleton") for "slamming" the door in the poor guys' face. I was forced to make a three point rebuttal:

1. I object to being targeted by such a transparent marketing campaign. It's insulting to my intelligence.
2. I object to being as questions such as "Can I ask why you're not interested?" and "I'd like to take a survey...". I'm under the suspicion that such questions are designed to make me question my own choices and I consider it an insult to my intelligence.
3. I can clearly see that they look to take advantage of the "Let's Be Polite And Hear Them Out, Because That's The Australian Thing To Do" mentality of most people. And who would've thought? I find that insulting to my intelligence too.

And besides, it's the guy's job. I'm sure there are people out there who are a lot more mean than me, and I'm sure he didn't go home and cry about what I did to him.

So blogreaders, is this reasonable, or just silly paranoia? Where is the point where it's time to shut the door in their face? And to those who have worked for these companies (I'm looking at you, students), are these genuine marketing strategies, or would I be better off using my imagination to write the next Da Vinci Code-style conspiracy thriller?

Filed Under:

• Rant

We Now Resume Normal Programming

So, we'll see you back here for the Kuwait game, right? Right, guys? Guys?

Filed Under:

• Football

It's A Great Advertisement For Football, BUT...

NEWS JUST IN: PM Howard taken hostage by terrorists. "Friends" applaud captors.

I have been in a foetal position for the past few days, trying desperately to understand just why on earth anybody cares about Australia's World Cup run. Don't get me wrong, I'm a football lover myself. I was there as a kid, cheering on my own small-time heroes as they played for an NSL club that doesn't exist anymore. I was calling it football before the blokes who now own it changed the name. I was even lucky enough to go to my first English FA Cup match earlier this year.

And then it finally occured to me why people suddenly seem to care. And it's not that we've reached the second round. It's not that it's a fairytale. It's not because "this team has a lion's heart, to fight until the end."

It's because there's a split round in the AFL.

It was so obvious. Add to that the fact that everyone who cares has disowned the NRL because the Storm are on top of the ladder again, and you realise the only reason we are being barraged by bandwagon jumpers is because there's nothing else to jump up and down about.

So fuck off back to your own games, bandwagoners. And for the rest of us diehards, and the newly converted, I'll see you for the Kuwait game in August.

File Under:

• Sport

Taking The Puff Out Of The Puff Piece 23/6/06

Welcome to what I hope will be a regular fixture here at Couch Culture, and won't fall victim to a hideous, horrible trainwreck like an Australian comedy show. No need to explain, it does what it says on the can, so let's get into it.

From The ABC (21/6/06):

There has been another escape from Auckland Zoo.

Three otters are the latest to make their dash for freedom after they slipped out of their newly repaired nesting box a week ago.

One of them - a female called Jin - was spotted 10 kilometres away, having made her escape down a creek and across Auckland Harbour.

The zoo has already had to deal with a number of escapes this year.

A ringtail lemur, a serval cat and two spider monkeys all got out of their enclosures in February.

The otters are expected to return once they realise how bad the Auckland nightlife is.

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From The Age (22/6/06):

Top New York endocrine surgeon William B. Inabnet listens to the Red Hot Chili Peppers while performing difficult operations because he believes "that's good pancreas music".

Doctor Inabnet says his next experiment will be listening to James Blunt while performing gall bladder surgery, because "listening to that shit sure keeps my gall bladder working".

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From The ABC (22/6/06):

Chinese scientists have discovered an orchid that reproduces in an adverse climate by twisting its male sexual organ so that it can fertilise its female organ.

It is believed to be the first known case in the plant world.

The pink-flowered orchid, Holcoglossum amesianum, defies gravity by turning its anther through 360 degrees in order to insert pollen at its tip into the female cavity, the stigma.

The plant's clever form of self-pollination "is likely to be an adaptation to the orchid's dry and insect-scarce habitat and may be widespread among species growing in similar environments," suggest the authors, led by Huang Laiqiang of Tsinghua University in southern China.

The study is published in the British weekly science journal Nature.

This discovery has come as no shock to Australian TV audiences, who are adamant Don Burke has been self-fertilizing for years.

File Under:

• Features

Christians' Cross

Rooney loves fingerpaint time at Kindy.

Lifted from The Independent:

* On the day Wayne Rooney returned to England's starting line-up, off-the-pitch activities have once more put him in the firing line. The Liverpudlian superhero's new Nike advert - pictured right - has upset right-wing Christians, who see it as a "bastardised" portrayal of the Crucifixion.

In the billboard poster, unveiled to great ceremony this week, the striker appeared with arms outstretched, and red paint across his naked front. Since Rooney is England's supposed saviour, critics believe this to be an unwieldy attempt to draw parallels between his swift return from injury and Christ's Resurrection.

The pressure group Christian Voice - which has run a long, noisy campaign against Jerry Springer: the Opera - yesterday issued a stern condemnation of the Nike poster.

"The cross is so iconic that it sadly being often used in advertising in a tasteless manner," said the organisation's national director, Stephen Green. "There are surely other ways for Nike to get their message across. Footballers are exalted celebrities. I'm not blaming the players, but their agents should think a little more carefully about the kind of publicity they get sucked into."

Nike, for its part, denied that the poster was designed to offend.

"This shot is not intended to have religious connotations," said a spokesman. "It's a celebration of Wayne Rooney's unique goal celebration style represented with a St George Cross. Wayne celebrates with his arms outstretched."

Once again Christian groups with too much time have shown us the right path. Hallelujah! And in line with Christian Voice's belief that every cross is their cross, Couch Culture will now be boycotting the use of the letters "t" and "x", in case their use offends our right-wing religious friends.

Couch Cul-ure also sugges-s Chris-ian Voice should speak wi-h -he Red Cross, Swi-zerland, Sco-land, all Scandanavian coun-ries, the Mal-ese, halfbred dogs, and of course -he musical duo "Kris Kross" abou- -heir misuse of -his mos- sacred of symbols.

File Under:

• Religion
• Rooney

Buzz In Whenever You're Ready...

Can someone please point out to Bert that he's talking to imaginary people again?

Game shows give me the shits.

Let's take Temptation for example. It's a longtime popular concept, middle and upper class types answer reasonably difficult general knowledge questions for cash and luxury prizes. The idea is that a reasonably intelligent audience will tune in to test their mental dexterity. Fair enough. But why then sign up Livinia "I killed Hey Hey" Nixon, whose every off-cuff remark is so cringe-worthingly idiotic that by the end of the show I'm doubled over in pain?

Bert's Family Feud. Poor old Moonface's dementia has gotten so bad that half the time he forgets what he's doing and the other half he doesn't realise how bad the writing is. I'd be in my right mind to go down to Richmond and smack the director and writers in the chops for stitching up a TV legend into appearing in such a huge pile of shit.

Deal Or No Deal. Andrew O'Keefe - You are not Guy Smiley. You are not your Uncle JOK. The world is not powered alone by electricity generated by your ego. So for fuck's sake, just relax and be a normal person for once, at the rate you're going your heart's going to give out by the time you're 43.

Wheel of Fortune. It's bad enough that 99% of the contestants are stupid enough to applaud themselves, but why put a former Miss Universe contestant in multicoloured rags and trot her down a catwalk endlessly? Especially now the letter tiles are now automatic plasma screens? Hey, Channel Seven, this is the twenty-first century. Sex may sell, but this is a show for housewives and retirees.

Well, at least no-one's done something stupid like bring back It's A Knockout. No wait, Channel Ten's doing that to fill the gaping hole between The Simpsons and Big Bogan's Extra Special Dirty Perv Show. I apologise.

As you can tell, game shows past and present have left a bit of scarring on the old man Statler, dear blogreaders, much like the old Man O Man pool which still scars the floor at Seven's South Melbourne studios. I think it began with Richard Wilkins' Keynotes. I just hope there's a cure.

A cure for Richard Wilkins, I mean.

File Under:

• Rant
• Television

Lee Hard(ly Punk)

What's wrong with this picture, Lee? You have a record contract.

Ever since Lee "Hey, check it out, my hair is crazy!" Harding came to prominence in everybody's favorite programme "Idle Australians", there has been a lot of debate as to whether the number one choice of kiddie try-hards across Australia is actually punk.

But no, blog readers, I'm not here to argue that Lee Harding is a "ignorant idiot", or abuse him of being a "watered down stereotype for the masses". Oh no, I'm much more refined than that. I'm here to tell you that Lee Harding is indeed punk. And I can prove it.

You see, while I was cruising the good ol' interweb, I happened upon the Wiktionary definition of the word punk.

http://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/punk

Read definition four: "(countable) (15th century) (insulting) A prostitute."

Now let's not be silly, I'm not calling him a slut. I severely doubt he could attract anyone over the age of 15 with a head like that anyway. But we all know that a prostitute is someone who does something dishonourable for money or personal gain. Hmm... like a sell-out?

Hey... There used to be this show on Channel Ten that was full of sell-outs... and... Oh wait. I think I've just made my point.

So there we are. The next time you're talking to your little brother / being accosted on the street by twelve year olds / being accosted on Myspace, and being told that "OMG lee harding iz so puNK u suK", you can agree. If they mean punk in a 15th century prostitute way.

This has been a Couch Culture community announcement.

File Under:

• Music
• Punk

Disclaimer

This blog is intended purely for entertainment value. The viewpoints contained within are written as satire or parody or are otherwise written as fair comment, a right afforded to the author under federal freedom of speech legislation. The writer of this blog purports that those who are the subject of commentary within this blog are those in the public eye, and as such are able to be held up to scrutiny as a matter of public interest. These persons aside, any similarity or resemblence to any persons, living or dead, is purely coincidental.

In short, it's just a bit of fun, so don't lose your head over it.

Category: Statler's World

Just Quickly... (Oct 19, 2006)

"This Krispy Kreme Tastes Like Krispy Krap!" (Oct 16, 2006)

Ho Bloody Ho (Oct 13, 2006)

McWrong (Oct 9, 2006)

Show / Bag (Sept 25, 2006)

And Now, A Random Thought From Statler (Sept 12, 2006)

Radio Statler: What Is This? Some Sort Of Meme? (Sept 7, 2006)

A Tale Of A Jerk And A Mike (Sept 5, 2006)

Killing Time (Aug 24, 2006)

It Must Be Spring (Aug 21, 2006)

The Things You Find When Searching Through Old Study Papers (Aug 13, 2006)

But That Only Happens In Movies! (Aug 11, 2006)

My Mum Would Be So Proud (Aug 2, 2006)

Category: Celebrityism

Arguments Against Botox #497 (Sept 24, 2006)

Category: Rants, Rambles & Bollocks

Fan Mail! (Oct 18, 2006)

On Becoming The Subject Of Spin (Oct 4, 2006)

The Adventures Of The Playboy Bunny (And Other Stories) (Sept 2, 2006)

Fat Off! (Jul 29, 2006)

To Market, To Market... (Jun 28, 2006)

Category: "Journalistic Integrity"

And Now: Some Hard-Hitting Journalism (Aug 11, 2006)

War: What Is It Good For? TV Ratings (Jul 23, 2006)

Category: That New-Fangled Picture-Box

Guess Who's Been Trawling YouTube? (Oct 5, 2006)

Channel Ten Officially Does Something Right (Oct 5, 2006)

Greatest Ever Child Actor Revealed (Oct 1, 2006)

An Open Letter To The Idol-Watchers Of Australia (Sept 23, 2006)

Kath & Kim: Round Two (Sept 22, 2006)

It's Official: Kath & Kim Most Overrated Programme Ever (Sept 13, 2006)

Let's Talk Positively About TV (For Once) (Aug 29, 2006)

It's A Hit! (Aug 26, 2006)

The Tench Of Failure (Aug 18, 2006)

Open Correspondence With Channel Seven (Aug 8, 2006)

Yasmin's Getting Axed! (Really This Time!) (Aug 6, 2006)

David Tench-ed (Aug 5, 2006)

Yasmin's Getting Axed! (Hopefully) (Aug 1, 2006)

Five Reasons To Be Exited About TV This Week (Jul 30, 2006)

The Humour Vacuum (Jul 15, 2006)

Buzz In Whenever You're Ready... (Jun 15, 2006)

Category: Vague Attempts At Feature Articles

Unsubstantiated Rumour Wednesday! (Jul 26, 2006)

Taking The Puff Out Of The Puff Piece (Jun 30, 2006)

Taking The Puff Out Of The Puff Piece (Jun 23, 2006)

Category: Somebody Think Of The Children!!!

Minty Nipples: Reprise (Oct 11, 2006)

More PC Madness (Jul 31, 2006)

Christians' Cross (Jun 22, 2006)

Category: This Sporting Life

Where The Bloody Hell Are You? (Aug 16, 2006)

We Now Resume Normal Programming (Jun 27, 2006)

It's A Great Advertisement For Football, BUT... (Jun 25, 2006)

Category: World News

If We Can't Have A War On Terror Board Game, Then The Terrorists Hve Won!!1! (Sept 29, 2006)

Strange Happenings In The Former Soviet Union (Aug 14, 2006)

Smiling Happy People (Jul 14, 2006)

Category: Music

Oasis Of Wisdom (Aug 3, 2006)

Lee Hard(ly Punk) (Jun 12, 2006)

Category: Idiots At Large

National Bogan Weekend (Oct 7, 2006)

The Theory Of Advanced Darwinism By Steve Irwin* (July 27, 2006)

Woman Wins Quiz Show; Is Still An Idiot (July 24, 2006)

What A Bunch Of Wankers (July 19, 2006)

Category: Blogs, Computers & Teh Interwebs

The Best Critique Ever... Or Not (Oct 22, 2006)

It's Not Every Day You Get To Destroy The Reputation Of Someone's Blog (Oct 20, 2006)

Hooray For Plaudits! (Aug 20, 2006)

Five Searches That Have Brought People To Couch Culture (Aug 17, 2006)

That's It! I'm Buying A Mac! (Aug 10, 2006)

Blogosphere Love (Jul 23, 2006)

Category: Adventures In Stereo

The Sound Of Statler (Sept. 20, 2006)

Contact

So, you want to contact me, do you? I'd try emailing couchculture at hotmail dot com. But with the frequency that I check that inbox, you may just want to use a carrier pidgeon instead. You've been warned.